So some days I feel the urge to get on here and write. I feel the need to clear my brain. Get some relief. Most days though, are good. I find it much easier to mentally challenge myself to be positive. To enjoy my life. To view my stresses as obstacles, not problems. I don't feel like giving up anymore. I don't feel like I can't control myself any longer. I feel powerful and positive again. I feel, well, like me. The old me. The me I've been missing for so long now.
Now, it seems that my journal, this journal, is my best aid to helping me tackle the hard days. Everyone has hard days, and who am I to say I don't. Being a "single" mom of a rambunctious toddle, keeping my emotions in check in reference to Tom's deployment and my own loneliness, being the organizer of a Mommy's Group, trying to please the ones I love, AND find some me time in there are some point is a wee bit stressful. But, as my mother told me, you don't have a choice. You do it. Now, I can look back on that statement, and say, "Mom, you were right. As always." It may have seemed hard at the time, but I made it to the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. Each day I'm learning and growing. Every day brings something for me to accomplish, even if its just making it through it in tact!
Everything that has happened to me, has happened for a reason. Without my grandfather's passing, I would have never found God and appreciated Him the way I do now. Without all the broken hearts, I would have never found the love of my life, the father of my child. Without finding that man, I never would have the greatest gift of all. Ellie. So many things happen for so many different reasons. Its hard to see the reasons when everything is falling apart around you. I once read a quote, "Its only impossible in your mind." I feel that that's true. Obviously I can't defy gravity, but I can be the person I want to be. I can see tomorrow. I can do what my heart leads me to do. I can get through my emotions.
Growing up, we envision living in the big homes, having the best cars, having the spouse that make other people dream they were so lucky. Well, for me, I never remembered the dreams having monetary distress, or arguments with said spouse, or a kiddo who is only 2, but is positive is going on 16. I didn't see the bad. Only the good. But, now, I've realized I had to go through the bad to appreciate the good. How else can it truly be appreciated? Of course I won't tell my daughter that life is too hard and to be prepared for hardships, but I will tell her that when things don't seem to be going her way, she either needs to find another direction or persevere. I will make sure she knows she can have whatever she chooses in life, but she has to make those choices. And she will have to figure out how to get to those decisions.
"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is the victory over self." -Aristotle
Look for the silver lining on the darkest clouds. That's what keeps me going.
