March 31, 2010

Wow, the past couple of days have just flown by. That could be considered a good thing because I'm effortlessly one day closer to being with Tom. I'm more than ready for him to come home.

The thing that I'm grateful for tonight is that I've found a motivation to get healthy. There were no external sources. I just decided that I need this for me. I always feel better when I'm working at being healthy, so why shouldn't I try harder to achieve that goal? I've made the conscience effort to go the gym 5 days a week as well as track my food points so I'm watching my nutritional intake.

I want this to work, and I've got the tools to do it. Now that I've found motivation again, my goals seem realistic again!

Good night.

March 28, 2010

Today, we didn't leave the house except to walk the dogs. Good that we were taking it slow today, but bad because it was a gorgeous day out today! On another good note though, I did have friends come over and keep me company.

My entry tonight is about how grateful I am for realizing that I can't control it all. There have been some negative things happening in my life recently, and I was starting to really get stressed out about them. I can't control everything! That's hard for me to admit, but I'm grateful that I can. Relinquishing some of my control to God is what's keeping me sane. He will take care of me, and those I love. That is all I need.

"Happy are the meek. Happy are the yielded. Happy are those who trustingly put their lives, their fortunes and their futures in the capable hands of their Creator. Happy are those who let go and let God."

~~Billy Graham
The Secret of Happiness

Good night.

March 27, 2010

Today was all in all a very good time. I want to get out the "bad" things though. Today, 10 years ago, my grandfather died. That's a hard memory for me, but he is remembered with my utmost love. The other thing is that I found out Ellie has bronchitis today. It's a mild case, so no antibiotics, but its there nonetheless. There is a possibility for pneumonia too, so we are going back in 5-7 days, depending on how she's acting.

Now, onto the good stuff. I GOT TO SEE TOM! It was so wonderful. I love him so much. Actually seeing his reactions to the things Ellie was saying was worth everything to me. And she was sooo happy to see him! At one point she did get sad, and said:

"Mommy, I haven't seen Daddy in a long time."
me: "I know baby..."
her: looking right into the camera at Tom, "But Daddy, I need you."

We both got a little choked up, and I quickly changed the subject to day to day living. I do miss him a lot more now, but this feeling is worth it to be able to see him. I'm hoping to do it again next month.

I'm so grateful that Tom's unit put this together and I was able to get a slot. He means so much to me now that having him so far away hurts. Technology is such a wonderful thing. The video teleconferences are supposed to happen every two weeks, but they're slotting people so that you can't go two weeks in a row, which I understand. So here's hoping I get my slot for next month's VTC.

"In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged." ~Hans Nouwen

Good night.

Quick Video1

March 26, 2010

I've only got one thing on my mind right now, so I'll put it down and elaborate more tomorrow.

I've got a video teleconference call with Tom tomorrow. I've been missing him a lot recently, so it'll be nice to see him. I'm really looking forward to it, and I'm anxious to see how Ellie reacts to it. Details tomorrow.

Good night.

March 25, 2010

The first thing that immediately comes to mind when I think about what I'm grateful for is my husband's sense of humor. I've got a super huge crush on Taylor Lautner, and my husband is just rolling with the punches since I've seen New Moon. He's making jokes all the while, and I love him for it. He knows he's the only man for me! Reading his little comments puts a smile on my face when I've been missing him horribly the past couple of days. Everyone has their fantasies, and Tom is a great sport about me airing my little crush. I love him more than words could ever say, and I am grateful for him.

I love you, babe.

Good night.

March 23, 2010

Today was absolutely exhausting! But I got everything done that I planned, and I'm grateful for that. I made it to the gym before everything else, and I think that set me on the right path for the rest of the day. I'm grateful though, for a couple of things.

In 2008, I went back to school to study cosmetology. I fell in love and found I have a real passion and "knack" for it. Since then, I've been having some real difficulties getting my license with the state of TX for various reasons, so I've put it on hold. I have been offering my services to my mommy's group, and a couple of people have taken me up on it. After today's client though, I know I need to get my license. I loved it, and I've received so much positive feedback it's amazing. Regardless of how much I love Ellie, there is just something so rewarding to have someone give you a pat on the back and say "good job." I'm grateful for both the luxury of being able to stay home with Ellie as well as having a skill that can get me somewhere!

Another thing I'm grateful for is Ellie's presence. I met another military spouse who looked like she was in her third trimester. I asked her which baby number she was on and she hesitated just for a second. She then told me this was baby number 5!! How crazy is that?! And right after telling me that, she also informed me that two years ago, three of her children died in a car accident. She has her eldest, who is 13, and now this one coming, her first boy. What was even worse was that the three little girls died on the eldest child's birthday. How horribly sad is that? I can't even begin to comprehend the emotions that that family had to endure. Ellie is definitely a blessing to me and I pray to God that nothing fatal happens to her. I honestly cannot picture my life without her in it! She is healthy and vibrant. She fiery and charismatic. She loving and nurturing. She's my baby, and I'll always see her that way.

There are so many things today, in this age, to be grateful for. I will always be grateful for Ellie.

"A mother's treasure is her daughter." ~Catherine Pulsifer, Inspirational Words of Wisdom

Good night.

March 22, 2010

Things have been a little hectic around here the past couple of days. By the time bed time rolls around, I'm way more than ready for it. There has been a nagging in the back of my brain that I needed to write in my journal... in THE journal. So to start, I'm grateful to be busy, but not overwhelmed. I'll also be grateful when things calm down a bit more. I've started to notice cycles, so that will actually help me anticipate what's coming next. I'm also grateful that I've got the most adorbale little girl! She was so friggin' cute today! I've been gushing over her all day, which is definitely not like me. I guess she was hitting every right button with me today. I'm also grateful that our property managers are letting us out of our lease so that I can move into a rental home. The stress of moving will be high, but it will be worth it to have a backyard for the pups and Ellie to play in while Tom's deployed. I've got another SUPER busy day tomorrow, so this is it for tonight.

Good night.

March 20, 2010

My eyes are really tired right now and I don't know where my glasses are so this is going to be short and sweet. I'm super grateful that Ellie AND Arthur went down without any complaints tonight, and there was no serious fighting that I had to deal with. I'm also very grateful for Skype, because I finally got to SEE my best friend for the first time in years!! Thank you skype!

Good night!

(I really wish I could expand, but I'm letting my eyes decide because I don't want a headache later.)

March 19, 2010

This evening I was talking with one of my very best and dearest friends. Things haven't exactly been going as she planned them, and I was really didn't know what advice to give her. This is what I told her, in a nut shell:

"You need your own gratitude journal. I know its cheesy and time consuming, but it sounds like you need it now more than ever. You've said you know you won't be able to find positive things about your day, and that to me is the biggest indicator that you need this. You're angry, I understand that. I was angry all the time too, before I started my journal. The journal has made some major movements in my life and has made things so much more bearable. That's not to say I still don't have days where I'm sitting for 15-20 minutes, wondering what in the Hell I'm going to write about because my day felt that horrible. Those are the days that are the hardest, and those are the days that I need my journal the most. Even if I use my fall back of being grateful that I'm alive, it's something! There is always SOMETHING to be grateful for."

I love this friend with my whole heart and wish that life would settle down and give her a break. I'm grateful that I have some experience that I can lend to her, and I honestly pray that she at least tries to find positive things throughout the upcoming days and weeks.

So, once again, I'm grateful for having started this journal, and starting to change my perspective on life.

Good night.

March 18, 2010

Today was an absolutely wonderful day! I'm so grateful for everything that happened. I got to take Ellie to a kid-friendly play, and laughed as much as she did! It was so well done. There is a huge playground near by the theater, and I learned I'm much to paranoid a mother to take Ellie there again. I cannot count the number of times I lost her! I'm grateful that I'm concerned enough to care that I didn't know where she was... After that was nap time and she didn't put up a fight at all. We took our nap, woke up at a decent time, had a good walk with the pups, and then she started to help me clean. Her favorite person, Miss Lydia (with Chuck and Arthur) were coming over for dinner so she wanted the help me clean! She can be so sweet some times. After dinner, the "grown-ups" settled our plans for our trip to Port Aransas for the Texas Sandfest. We've decided to camp out instead of getting a hotel, and I'm really excited about it. Well, I'm excited about the whole trip. I know I'm going to need to make a strong effort to get Ellie's naps in during that weekend, otherwise the night are probably going to be a little rough. I really can't complain about today, and that's another thing I'm grateful for. Today was just a good day!

"It's so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to." ~Annie Gottlier

Good night.

March 17, 2010

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Today was such a fun filled day. Ellie got to play at a St. Patrick's day party and it completely wiped her out! She slept for almost 4 hours today, and then didn't fight (hard) when I put her into bed tonight. I would talk more about the day, but I've still got some minor chores to do around the house, and I'm exhausted. So for now, I'm actually grateful that I should be able to fall asleep (hopefully) without having my imagination run wild!

Good night.

March 16, 2010

Today was a nice day. I had an enjoyable workout at the gym and everywhere I turned, people were telling me what I beautiful little girl I had. Whose heart doesn't feel proud when they hear things like that?! Ellie has been testing her limits and pushing her individuality pretty hard the past couple of days. I know I've been getting a little more lax in certain decisions and she's showing me! I've said before that she is the best teacher I could ever ask for. Being a mother isn't something that gets any easier. It isn't something that just clicks. It seems to be constantly evolving and developing. As my child grows, I need to change my own behaviors and rules to match and/or counter certain personality traits. Motherhood needs to be taken one day at a time and even as I say this, I know this is going to be something I'm going to have to work on constantly. I need to keep telling myself that I'm not perfect and that all the little challenges put in front of me are just obstacles to move around. I am grateful to be able to know that I have to be honest with myself, and even that is a work in progress.

"Practice doesn't lead to perfection, it leads to permanence."

Good night.

March 15, 2010

Daylight savings time has really put a number on our schedule! Things just come and go so quickly and nap time seems so late now. But, it does feel like I have more time to sit down and just be with Ellie, which is always nice. I made a commitment to myself today to pick myself up off the mopey train and get my things in order. Tom has been gone for a month now and I gave myself a month to adjust. Now is that time. I know I can do this. God has given me the strength I need to move forward and my family and friends are the support I turn to when I need a release. I am re-evaluating what is going to work best for our family in these circumstances and move from there. I'm contemplating putting Ellie in a mother-day-out program which will give me one day of day care (essentially) so that I can just re-cooperate.

The thing I'm really and truly grateful for today was that Ellie and Lily played so nicely today! I took them to McDonald's while Jess spruced up the house getting ready for a party, and they just had a great time! It was so nice to see. Plus, there was an older boy in there, probably about 10, who let Ellie follow him around and played with her. She loves being with older kids so it was nice that he didn't just ignore her. Kids really can be sweet to one another when they think no one is watching!

"All great changes are preceded by chaos."
~ Deepak Chopra

Good night.

March 14, 2010

I haven't written the past couple of night for a couple of reason. Neither of the reasons had to do with NOT finding something to be grateful for. That has becoming easier and easier to find. On March 12th, I was out celebrating my birthday! We didn't get back until late and at that point all I wanted to do was crash! On March 13th, I was dealing with all of my celebrating. I was pretty sick yesterday, but I am feeling much better today! All in all, I'm very grateful for my health. I know the past week has been a rough one on my gastro-track, in some form or another, but I knew it wasn't anything detrimental. I took it as a sign to lay off the heavy foods, find some time to just relax, and everything will fix itself. A week and a half later, I'm feeling much better. Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm even more grateful that Ellie hasn't been dealing with all this mess. She's not that bad when she's not feeling well, but she does tend to get VERY clingy. That's more or less my cue that she's not feeling well. I am also grateful for my Mom. She's been listening to me vent out the same frustrations almost on a daily basis now. I know she's tired of hearing it, but she keeps picking up the phone, ready to listen. I can't say whether or not she feel unappreciated, but as far as I'm concerned, she's one of the highest standing women in my book! Why else would I go to her for EVERYTHING! She is my shoulder the cry on, my ears to listen, the support I need to help me stand when I feel like I can't get up. She is my everything and without her I wouldn't be who I am today. My mother is someone I will ALWAYS be grateful for. I love you, Mom. (Ha, now you're in blogger history!)

"[A] mother is one to whom you hurry when you are troubled." ~Emily Dickinson

Good night.

March 11. 2010

I've noticed recently that I have put a lot of effort into what I've been journaling. I'm not really sure why that is though. I know part of it is that I'm just getting it done. But I also feel that its coming to me easier. I don't think I have to think nearly as hard as I did at the beginning of this journey to find things I'm for which I'm grateful. Even with everything that has happened to my family circumstances, I can still turn the day to end positively. I didn't think I'd ever be that person. My overall balance is finding its way, and it's making me feel... relieved. I don't feel all the pressure I felt a mere three and a half months ago. I don't feel all that anger and negativity. Making a point to find at least one positive thing that occured to me on any given day as put innumerable things into perspective. This is by no means to say that I don't have any negative thoughts (more like frustrated thoughts) or that my life is cruising down easy lane, but I am much more accepting of the things that are happening to and around me.

I've thought about taking a night's journal entry, and just venting. Getting out all of my frustrations. I was thinking that maybe getting it all out would help me face it and learn to accept it. Other than that, it seems more like I just need to whine. Every time I go to write something down that was bothering me for the day, I turn it around, or delete it entirely. I put a positive thought in its place. Dwelling on what bothering me is and what I can't have, just builds the negative thoughts. I'm realizing nothing is worth sitting around and being mopey. There are so many glorious things that happen in any single day, it feels like wasted energy not to focus on those things!

So tonight, I'm grateful to have come this far on my journey.

“The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.”
-- Don Williams, Jr.

Good night.

March 10, 2010

Today was an absolutely beautiful day, and it even drizzled this morning. Nothing heavy. I let Ellie play in the rain and she loved it. She kept calling it "silly rain." You don't get too many days that feel as glorious as today was, so my gratitude goes toward God for blessing us with his creative skills in creating a wonderful day. The way I'm feeling right now is that sometimes you find the most pleasure out of the simplest things.

"Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces us up, snow is exhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather." ~John Ruskin

Good night.

March 9, 2010

Happy Birthday Austin! It's his 4th birthday. I can't believe how quickly time flies!

On to the grateful moments. So, I completely lost track of what was actually going on today. I knew I wanted to make brownies for Tom, and even go so far as mixing the batter and putting them in the oven. And then, yea. I left the house to go to the store, completely forgetting the brownies in the oven! Here's what I'm grateful for... How "scatter-brained" I am. I was walking past something, thought Tom might like it, which made me think of the brownies, and ding! Oh. My. God! I was lucky enough that there was no damage, except for my brownie hockey pucks (they were the new mini brownie things) and a super stinky house. But I am so grateful that this is all that happened. It could've ended up so much worse, I don't even want to think about it. God put those thoughts of Tom in my head and got me on the right track to remembering my brownies...

After that I was able to take it easy, which is another thing I'm grateful for. Its much easier on both Ellie and me when we've got enough down time to enjoy each other's company. Nothing rushed. Nothing planned. Just so good ole mommy-daughter time.

So for now, I am think it's time to hit the hay.

Good night.

March 8, 2010

Today was yet another long day. I'm realizing the importance of creating a routine, not just for my little munchkin, but for me as well. I think things are just a little too out of hand.

I know that I'm grateful for the great company I had today though. This morning I got to play stylist again and a friend let me highlight and trim her hair while our kiddos played in the living room. Some moments were a little hectic, but overall it was a very enjoyable experience. I'm grateful that she gave me the opportunity to stay current with my "craft."

Another great companion I had today was ready to go to a spur of the moment dinner date. I got my first Pampered Chef commission check today so I wanted to celebrate. I asked her last minute if she would come along with Ellie and me since I knew she would be heading out on a half-cross country drive in the morning. The conversation was great and we had an enjoyable dinner together with the munchkin.

Here's another thing I'm grateful for. TOM CREATED A FACEBOOK ACCOUNT! It will be nice to post little love messages and pictures/videos up for him. I miss him horribly, but I know he's safe and that's all that matters.

As for yesterday, I was recognized within my Pampered Chef cluster for doing a great job with the new consultant training as well as already submitting my first two shows. I was also pleasantly surprised by the Beely's, yet again, with a birthday cake and 27 candles (one to grow on). They're so awesome.

My friends down here have made my life so much more enjoyable! I am truly grateful for all of them, and when we part, its going to be a sad day, full of wonderful memories.

Good night.

March 7, 2010

Happy Birthday to me! After a long and very eventful day, all I can is how grateful I am that it's over! I'm so ready for bed, that I will write about all the great things I'm grateful for today... tomorrow!

Good night.

March 6, 2010

Busy, busy, busy day! And lots to be grateful for as well. My car died on me today when I was about to leave the grocery store. Now, of course that's not what I'm grateful for. Not one, but TWO of my friends came to my aid! Jess came by and picked up Ellie for me so I the task at hand wouldn't seem so daunting and frustrating. Chuck was there to help me move the car, get it jumped and make sure I was good to go. And all this before 9:30 in the morning! There was also some random guy that had a Cowboys teddy bear that Ellie eyed, and because she's so friggin' adorable, he gave it to her! Just like that! Great friends, let me tell you.

Today was also the day of my first cooking show with Pampered Chef. I was hectically getting ready when the first of my three guests arrived. Pat was standing in my doorway with a birthday cake because she knew I wasn't planning on doing anything tomorrow. She also helped me get the rest of the apartment in order for the other guests. She is such a wonderful person, I love her to death! Jess and Jenn also showed up and between the three of the I was able to get my "show" as well as some valuable experience. Not to mention the food (especially the salsa) was super yummy!

Another thing was that Holly was so kind as to watch the pups while I had my cooking show! It made things so calm in the house. And when I went to get my mail this evening, I had a letter waiting for me from a grade school friend wishing me a Happy Birthday!

There were so many things to put smiles on my face today. Today was a very good day and I'm grateful for everything that happened!

Good night.

March 5, 2010

This evening I'm grateful for the Beely family, yet again! They always seem to come when I need them, and I love them for it. It really is going to be hard parting with them in July. But who knows, maybe Tom will actually get stationed in Hawaii and Ellie and I will already have friends! I am also grateful for Tom being able to call me this evening. It is really nice hearing his voice every now and then, but especially tonight. I've got a big party planned tomorrow, and have been feeling pretty frazzled all day. Hearing his voice definitely helped to calm me down. I don't know how it happened, but my living areas are finally clean, and I'm super grateful for that. I kept putting it off and putting it off, and I know it was affecting my mood. I just didn't have the energy to deal with something like that, on top of all the other emotions I was and still am feeling. I'm also grateful to have reacquainted with a dear friend. I've missed him horribly, and its so nice to be able to have Yahoo Instant messenger and web cams so that I can see him and his little girl! For now, that will be it. I have a book I would like to finish and its already 10:30 pm.

"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it." ~William Arthur Ward

Good night.

March 4, 2010

I can say I am exhausted right now! There was just a lot going on today. But, I know, very easily, what I'm grateful for this evening. Friends. I know I've said before how lucky I am to have the friends I have, but its needs to be said again. I may only have a few friends who I would call confidants, but as a whole, I enjoy the time I spend with all my friends, new and old. Each one brings something different to the table, and that keeps the spices of life flowing. It seems that I learn something new about my friends every day, and its thrilling. I'll admit, sometimes a bit overwhelming, but I enjoy making friends and socializing. I have a gregarious personality, and knowing that I have an outlet for that helps to keep my sanity. I believe that if I felt that I couldn't go out and meet new people, I would never make it. Sometimes, you just need to hear some new stories.

I wish I could write more, but I really am falling asleep at the keyboard. Tomorrow is another busy day, being that its the day before my kickoff show, so I will be starting early with the final cleaning and prepping for the party. The journal might get bypassed, so at least I know I've put my mind in the right place, and I can sleep peacefully tonight. Thank you to all of my friends.

The only quote I'm thinking about right now is actually from a song I learned when I was very, very young:

"Make new friends, but keep the old ones. Some are silver and the others are gold."

Good night.

March 3, 2010

Tonight I am grateful for the organization, Parents as Teachers. Its a group on post that helps you utilize your own assets so you can be an efficient "teacher" for your child. We all know how much our children pick up from us, so why not make some of it educational, right? Anyway, this group put together a deployment seminar and I picked up some very valuable tips.

I have been having issues with Ellie pooping in her panties since Daddy left. I got some really good tips on how to handle that, and I'll definitely put it in the journal whether the ideas work or not. I also got some pointers on how to deal with her on a daily basis, how to keep Tom and her as well as Tom and me connected throughout the deployment. There was even a moment of pure clarity for me when I started crying.

I've realized the sacrifice Tom is making now more than ever. I started crying because even though I toy with the idea of re-enlisting, I know I never could, no matter how much I miss the military. I cannot stand the idea of leaving Ellie for any length of time. Just the idea of leaving her and coming home to, essentially, a new child scares me to death. I don't want to miss a second of her life. Tom doesn't have a choice. He is fighting for our country, and in doing so, is missing out on his daughter's and his wife's lives. I didn't realize the hardship until it was put into words by a single mother service member.

Parents as Teachers is a wonderful organization and I could not be any happier with a group that helps me develop my daughter into an intelligent and bright child. Their seminar helped put things into perspective, and the bigger picture is always more important than the small details.

"What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world." ~Robert E. Lee, letter to his wife, 1864

Good night.

March 2, 2010

God has given me the oppotunity to practice patience today. Or, at least, that's the way I'm going to put a positive spin on the way some things happened today. While I was going through the "episodes," it was very aggravating, but towards the end of the day, I just realized that every outcome is affected by my reactions. The less I let something get to me, regardless of how annoying and aggravating it seemed at the time, the better off, and quicker it seemed, the solution became apparent. Take for instance, Ellie. Even though she is my devil in angels clothing, I love her. As I'm righting this, she's crying her little eyes out because she doesn't want to go to bed. I'm actually quite surprised I haven't gone in there yet. I know part of the reason for all the fuss is because she's exhausted! She didn't take a very long nap and then we had company over for dinner, which lasted until AFTER her normal bed time. I know she's fighting this, and if after I'm done writing this, she's still crying, I will go comfort her. I really think she just needs to let out some stress and cry. I don't think that makes me sound like a horrible mother either. I know when she needs me. But, if I would let this try my patience to its limit, I would already be frustrated and I wouldn't really be able to handle the situation properly. I know how much work I need to improve my patience, and God is giving me these opportunities time and time again. I'm learning, and I'm grateful for that.

Good night. Now to check on my crying child...

March 1, 2010

Today went much more smoothly. I'm so grateful I realized before it was too late that I needed to slow down. I think it's good to be busy, but within reason. I was just putting more and more on my plate, and it started to overflow. Ellie was MUCH better today too. And I honestly think it had to do with how much Mommy-time she was getting. I am starting to understand that she can't verbalize everything she's feeling in reference to Tom being gone, so I need to make up for that. She is such an easy going kid, I just didn't think his deployment would effect her the way it has. Like I said in the beginning though, I'm grateful I noticed it sooner rather than later. God placed his hands on my shoulders and led me to see that there was just too much. He heard my prayers and is answering them in His own ways.

"You owe it to everyone you love (including yourself) to find pockets of tranquility in your busy world.”

Good night.