December 27, 2010

Christmas was wonderful this year. I really didn't know what to expect out of it. All season, it had never really felt like "Christmas" to me. When I traveled up to Maryland, I had every expectation that it would finally feel like Christmas. No luck. It honestly didn't start feeling like the "days of old" until I was able to watch Ellie opening her presents. She made out like a bandit too! We have such amazing family members. On both side. So much thought and effort was put into making this holiday fun for my little munchkin. It was a great feeling watching her upwrap all the gifts and wanting to play with EVERY SINGLE TOY!

Tom's family is ridiculously crafty. And I have to put something up about Auntie Beth's gift to Ellie. She crocheted the cutest little sweater for Ellie. It was made to look like Alfred, our cat. It was gray with dark gray stripes on the back, little cat ears on the hood, and a striped tail. It is absolutely adorable, and it came with a little cat book to match it. I really don't want to put down all the gifts that were given to ellie and I received this year for two reasons. (1) It would be too many, and I'd be worried that I'd forget someone or something; and (2) I think its kinda tacky to put all that down. I'd feel like I was gloating.

I remember wanting to tell every single person I saw about every single gift I received as a child. I loved it. My parents always got the three of us so much, or so I thought. The thing was more that my parents knew us. They knew we didn't need lots of toys. They knew that we were easily pleased. The three of us, (Mandi, TJ and myself) will still sit around and talk about how we never really felt like we hadn't had good christmases as children. We were happy. I realize now that all the crayons and coloring books and little barbies were exactly what we wanted.

Now, as the parent, I'm consumed by the idea of getting Ellie lots of toys. My mother has told me time and time again, "Why, she's gonna have her favorites and not bother with the rest of them?" And, she's right. Again. Yes, I've got a wise momma who I really need to learn to listen to more. Christmas is still about being around family. And honestly, that was the best part of this Christmas. Once the chaos of making the dinner and getting everyone situated subsided, I remember smiling a lot more. The kids were playing with PopPop, his kids were picking on him for picking on their kids, and we even got MeeMaw to tickle him. It felt like everything was right. It felt like I would never trade that moment. Watching everyone smile so much and seeing everyone so happy is what Christmas has always been about in our family. I was hard for me to break away from the commercialism of "Christmas," but know that I've gotten the opportunity to experience our family's christmas again, I know what standards I'm really supposed to hold myself to when next Christmas rolls around.

Until then, Merry Christmas to you all, and may you always remember how grateful you should be to have the love of your family.

December 21, 2010

The year is almost over. I can't believe how quickly it all went by. So many ups. Too many downs. I've had a very busy month since my last entry. So many things to be thankful for. So many things to contemplate. I was able to help some friends, as well as being lucky enough to have some friends help me out in my time of need. I had a great time getting some Black Friday deals and then enjoying LOTS of time living with a great friend while Ellie and I are in transition. I am lucky enough to have parents that bought plane tickets for Ellie and I to travel up north and visit all the family on my side for the Christmas holiday. I love being able to watch Ellie interact with my family. She has spent so much time with them, its great to see how the relationships have never slumped. Especially between Ellie and Addyson. Those two are some of the most entertaining, and aggravating Divas I've ever met (or at least that I can think of quickly).

I've looked back on entries throughout the year and have seen some growth, and my journal has accomplished exactly what I thought it would. It helped me get rid of a lot of pent up negativity. It helped me sort out some of my emotions. I want to keep writing, but I think I will be tweaking it a little. I think with the coming year, I will be including pictures and quite possibly some of my crafts. I can only wait and see what this next year will bring.

November 21, 2010

I've realized I'm not where I thought I would be in life right now. I've realized that this is never what I expected to be doing at 26. I also never thought that I would have become this comfortable in my faith. I never thought that I would be thankful to just be.

But I am. I am a woman. I am a daughter. I am a mother. I am a friend. I am a guardian. I am a provider. I am a nuturer. I am confidant. I am stubborn. I am independent. I am original. I am comfortable. I am happy.

Although I may not have been expecting this to be my life, it is. I couldn't ask for anything better. The ups and the downs. I can't say that before I was married, I ever really and truly saw myself as a mother. God obviously had a different plan. Ellie was the best thing to have happened to me. He knew what she would do for me, and what she's still capable of doing for me. I pray that I'm able to repay the favor.

I've realized that all the things I expected out of life when I was a child, and by child I mean even as close as a few years ago, that my dreams were selfish. They were things that would, in the long run, only make me happy. And yes, I do believe that an individual has to be happy and satisfied before they can do anything about helping another person find his/her happiness, but, by my dreams and aspirations changing to making others happy, and finding ways to do that, I realize it is making me happy.

With all the pitfalls included, I have a good life.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me." ~Erma Bombeck

November 12, 2010

We only have one life to live, and I plan to live mine. I have made choices I regret. I have chosen roads I shouldn't have walked down. But, I know this. I accept it. I will grow from it. There is no other option. Every time that I realize I'm going down a path that's either leading me to a dead end or in the opposite direction of my goals, I know that I must turn around and figure out where I need to go to get where I'm going. It's hard. It's complicated. Some days, it feels as though it's not worth it.

I have chosen to live. The good has to have the bad. Its up to you what you decide to do with those moments. For the life me, I can't remember what movie I was watching, but a particular scene has stuck with me. A man was looking through a photo album talking to his father about how he managed to stay married for as long as he had. The man it seemed as though his father and mother never had any fights. The father laughed, and simply said, its the fights in between the pictures that have made us stronger.

I don't want anyone reading this assume that I'm specifically talking about my marriage in particular. I'm using this scene as a reference to life in general. Of course you don't want to focus on pitfalls that happen, but to ignore that they've happened will get you nowhere. You must accept them and grow from them. God has given us these moments to learn how strong and courageous you really are.

Falling and scraping your knee. Broken bones. Hurt feelings. Heartbreak. Death. These are things we all have and will still face. Remember how often we got hurt as children? It was so simple to just get up and keep moving. Granted, emotional scars are much harder to overcome than physical, but the concept is the same. You may just need a little more time. My current frame of mind is to act. To live. To be the maker of my life, instead of a passive participant. I'm going to take those risks. I'm going to walk down those roads. I will learn from my mistakes.

This is my choice, and I'm grateful that I can make it.

"It is our choices that show who we truly are, far more than our abilities." ~ Joanne Kathleen Rowling

November 7, 2010

Today we gained an hour. I should be thankful for it. More time in the daylight. Except that today felt like it was never ending. LOL I was fortunate enough to go to a Lebanese Festival with a great friend, and the kids loved it! And they were so well behaved! I loved watching Ellie do her version of the folk dancing. She actually threw a mini fit because she wanted to get down there and dance with them! It was really cute to watch. The festival was nice. There was dancing, as I mentioned before, and a singer. They had typical Lebanese food and a small bazaar set up. They even went so far as to set up play areas for the kids, which, of course, my three kiddos in tow loved! Afterwards we went out for dinner at a restaurant that has a play field (think small soccer field), and a couple play houses to keep the kids entertained. Today was all about the kids, or so they thought. It was great being able to just visit with another adult.

Today was a beautiful day. I loved it, even if it did feel like it took forever to get through. Maybe it had something to do with actually getting the motivation to write in this blog and clearing my brain that made today seem to go so smoothly. Maybe it had to do with watching three amazing kids play together, not a care in the world. Maybe I found my center this morning. Who knows? Well, He does. And whatever His reason, I'm glad it happened. I needed a day like today.

"Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open." ~John Barrymore

Playing Catch Up

Three and a half months. That's how long its been since I've even opened this. The obligation was no longer there. The drive was gone. I didn't have the same compulsion to write as I did at the beginning of the year. There were many time in the past few months that I really should have opened this up and put my thoughts down. Made myself see that the days were going to get better. There were days that I felt the world was crashing down all around me, and I had no where to turn, no shoulder to lean on. Looking back on those moments, I smile. Why? Why would I smile at everything I endured over the summer months? What could have possibly been good about some of the things I had to deal with? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. What I smile about is the simple fact that I'm still here. I'm still persevering. It was just an obstacle in the course of my life. There will be plenty more to come. God put me through the wringer. He tested me time and time again. He challenged me. I overcame the challenges and have grown from them. I am happy to say that I will continue to learn. There is so much out to learn about the world, as well as about myself. I don't want to say that I necessarily look forward to future "opportunities," but I know to try to resist their coming would be futile. I can accept them though. I can be thankful that I love hindsight! It can really put things into perspective. With that being said, I am going to do a relapse of the past three and a half months, to give some idea of what has been going on in my life.

July
It was jam-packed with events. Everything from my side hair jobs, to playgroups, to visiting with friends. I also had my cousin staying with me. She was a huge help in giving me a break from being Ellie's only source of entertainment. Although she did leave sooner that I would've initially liked, I was still very grateful that she came. Not just for my own break, but I was happy she got to see another part of the country. I was able to take her to Seaworld as well as the zoo and Houston. Speaking of going to Houston, on that trip I was lucky enough to see one of my close friends, whom I hadn't seen in about a year. It was so wonderful to be able to spend time with him, even if it was short lived. I remember July feeling so ridiculously busy that I don't really remember ever really sitting down. I knew that I would travelling a lot and there was something major happening every month from that month on. I was trying to mentally prepare myself for everything that was about to be thrown my way.

August
During this month, I knew I had to start to settle. I remember feeling completely drained, and it was starting to run down to Ellie. I remember that I was spending a lot of time in my room, while Ellie would sit out and watch TV. I missed so many opportunities to get on the floor and play with her, times that I will never get back. In August though, that's not what I was focusing on. I had lost focus on so many things. This was by far my hardest month of the past year. Although I hadn't lost my faith, I had stopped talking to Him. I had stopped talking to everyone really. I was pulling away from my friends and my family. I could feel that things were getting bad with me. That the stress was starting to eat away at me. God gave me this insight, and I let go of my pride and began seeing a therapist. I am so thankful for this. Seeing my therapist once a week, I was able to really start sorting through everything that was going through my mind. I starting to learn to refocus on the things that were more important, namely, Ellie. Also, during this month, Steffanie, my best friend from college, came to visit. It had been years since I had seen her, and it was so nice to have a friend from "home." Someone that had known me before I became lost. I was able to glimpse the person I used to be. She made no attempts to let me know that she didn't like this person I had become. And I had to agree with her. She was the "slap in the face" that I needed. This was also the month that I passed my written cosmetology exam.

September
And the traveling starts. I spent the last two weeks of the month visiting my in-laws in Washington State. I had also decided in this month, that the prospect of having another baby was one of the causes of my stress being so high. I needed to spend more time with Ellie and I knew that now was just not the best time to have another little one running around. I decided to get and IUD, and immediately felt that it was the best decision for me, and my family. An awfully personal statement, yes, but being that it had such a strong impact on my stress and what I was going through, I wanted to be completely open about it. I also got a great confidence booster when I passed my Practical Cosmetology exam, and became a licensed Cosmetologist in the great state of Texas. Visiting with my in-laws, and the family up there was very nice. It was very relaxing and it seemed to be exactly what I needed. My mother-in-law was generous enough to watch Ellie for me so I could go out with what few friends I have up north. And Ellie loved being the center of attention, of course. I did have moments of hardship, like trying to find a way to make Tom feel special on his birthday, when he was so far away. I don't honestly think I succeeded, but I'm sure I can make up for it next year.

October
Right after my trip to Washington ended, Ellie and I were right back on the plane headed for Maryland to visit with my family, and for me to get out and just drive some scenic routes. And by right after, I mean there was a 32 hour layover between flights. While in Maryland, I was able to visit a friend who had just had surgery and get him on a flight to see his son. I was also able to celebrate my niece's first birthday in combination with a very early birthday party for Ellie. It was nice to have all the family together. Things were starting to fall back in place, and I seemed to be calming down, once more. I was realizing that like all things, that moment had passed. I felt like I was through it. I was now looking forward to Tom's R&R, Ellie's birthday and Halloween. I also got a visit from the same friend that I had met up with Houston. It was a VERY short trip, not even 12 hours, but he was on his way to Louisiana to get to his little girl. Who was I to hold him up? It was about the time of his visit that I realized how much I truly enjoy having visitors. Tom's visit, in all honesty, had its ups and downs. The downs were short lived and had more to do with my own comfort levels, and some of the deeper conversations we had. I was absolutely blown away by the connection between Ellie and Tom. It was a very nice surprise, and something I hadn't realized I had been worrying about until after it had passed. They both seemed very comfortable in one another's presence. Time had made the hearts grow fonder for sure.

November
Now we're up to date. I tried to include only the major things, and not get into detail about some of the more stressful events. That's not the purpose of this journal.

"Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely." ~Auguste Rodin

I am grateful for life and all its experiences.

July 19, 2010

So some days I feel the urge to get on here and write. I feel the need to clear my brain. Get some relief. Most days though, are good. I find it much easier to mentally challenge myself to be positive. To enjoy my life. To view my stresses as obstacles, not problems. I don't feel like giving up anymore. I don't feel like I can't control myself any longer. I feel powerful and positive again. I feel, well, like me. The old me. The me I've been missing for so long now.

Now, it seems that my journal, this journal, is my best aid to helping me tackle the hard days. Everyone has hard days, and who am I to say I don't. Being a "single" mom of a rambunctious toddle, keeping my emotions in check in reference to Tom's deployment and my own loneliness, being the organizer of a Mommy's Group, trying to please the ones I love, AND find some me time in there are some point is a wee bit stressful. But, as my mother told me, you don't have a choice. You do it. Now, I can look back on that statement, and say, "Mom, you were right. As always." It may have seemed hard at the time, but I made it to the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. Each day I'm learning and growing. Every day brings something for me to accomplish, even if its just making it through it in tact!

Everything that has happened to me, has happened for a reason. Without my grandfather's passing, I would have never found God and appreciated Him the way I do now. Without all the broken hearts, I would have never found the love of my life, the father of my child. Without finding that man, I never would have the greatest gift of all. Ellie. So many things happen for so many different reasons. Its hard to see the reasons when everything is falling apart around you. I once read a quote, "Its only impossible in your mind." I feel that that's true. Obviously I can't defy gravity, but I can be the person I want to be. I can see tomorrow. I can do what my heart leads me to do. I can get through my emotions.

Growing up, we envision living in the big homes, having the best cars, having the spouse that make other people dream they were so lucky. Well, for me, I never remembered the dreams having monetary distress, or arguments with said spouse, or a kiddo who is only 2, but is positive is going on 16. I didn't see the bad. Only the good. But, now, I've realized I had to go through the bad to appreciate the good. How else can it truly be appreciated? Of course I won't tell my daughter that life is too hard and to be prepared for hardships, but I will tell her that when things don't seem to be going her way, she either needs to find another direction or persevere. I will make sure she knows she can have whatever she chooses in life, but she has to make those choices. And she will have to figure out how to get to those decisions.

"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is the victory over self." -Aristotle

Look for the silver lining on the darkest clouds. That's what keeps me going.