February 20, 2010

So, just thought I'd point this out. It's 02-20-2010... Fun play on numbers. I'm in a pretty foul mood right now. Today had it's normal ups and downs, but my frustration levels were sky high. I think its finally starting to hit me that I'm doing everything on my own, for the next YEAR! Unfortunately, there were moments when that frustration was turned towards Ellie. At one point she was absolutely refusing to listen to anything I said, plus the machine at the self-checkout (we were grocery shopping) wasn't working right. Another time I gave her a bag of shredded cheese because she said she wanted that as her snack. I was doing dishes at the time, and when I was done, I saw that she had poured the entire bag all over my couch. Looking back on those two times makes me feel pretty lousy, because she was just being two. She wasn't really being defiant, and looking for ways to make Mommy upset. =(

What I'm in the foul mood for is not the first two instances though. It was for the last. She is having a serious set back with pooping in the potty. For three straight poops, she's gone in her panties. Its driving me crazy. Tonight, I actually think I may have scared her, between my voice and my actions. My frustration definitely got the better of me. And although I know I didn't physically hurt her, I am completely torn apart inside. Here's why.

Once I had her cleaned up, she was super happy. I told her I was mad at her, and she told me that she would make me feel better. Even though I had just scared her. It felt like she had forgiven me for my temper tantrum. My little girl is absolutely remarkable. She put me in my place. She loves me, unconditionally. I don't know what I did to be blessed with this little girl, but I can't see my life without her. I felt like a horrible mother for scaring her like that. I still do. Almost as soon as it was over, she was over it too. I'm so entirely grateful for my daughter, because whenever I feel as though I've wronged someone, or as if I'm alone, she's there to help me feel better.

I love you, Ellie.

Good night.