January 9, 2010

With only 6 minutes to spare before midnight, I need to write down my thoughts of gratitude quickly! I was thinking about Tom again. With his impending "year long leave" (as I've been referring to it), he's constantly on my mind and how much I'm going to miss him. I was laying in bed with Ellie trying to get her to sleep when I started thinking about Tom's car. I know, random. In any case, I noticed that it doesn't smell as cigarette-ish as it normally does, and I presume that's simply because he doesn't drive back and forth to worth since he's on block leave. This is where the gratitude comes in. Having been a smoker before, I know how difficult it is to break from your habitual smoking places. For me, it was driving in the car for long periods. For Tom, the car is also an issue. He was also getting close to a cigarette an hour.

Since Ellie has had her cold, I've asked Tom to cut back on how much he's smoking, in the chance the smoke is effecting her cold. I've also asked him to switch to a leather jacket when he does smoke outside because leather doesn't hold onto odors as much at cotton fabrics. And although he doesn't remember every time, he does try. He never smokes with Ellie in the car. He will actually ask me if before we go somewhere, when he knows he's going to be driving, if he can have a cigarette first. He did this today, and it annoyed me to be honest.

Looking back though, I've realized he is actually trying to be considerate of my wishes. I know he's not ready to quit, and until he is, he'll never completely quit, regardless of how many well intended attempts. He is attempting to compromise with me on the smoking, and I'm only now realizing it. So, firstly, I'm grateful that I've married a man who has learned and is willing to try to compromise with a stubborn wife...

The other thing is very simple. In the mere 9 evenings that I've been creating entries for this journal, I've noticed a change in myself. I accept that I annoy easily. But, at the end of the day, I'm letting all those little things go. Having this journal forces me to see the positive things that are going on around me. Those are the things that I should be focusing on.

Today is done, tomorrow is another one. I remember a scene from a movie. It was similar to this: "You never see the times you fight in photo albums. Just the times you smile. And yet, its those times you weren't smiling that actually made you stronger." You can only learn through experience. If you aren't learning anything, you aren't moving forward.

Good night.