Tonight is the last night of the year. This time last year, I was telling myself how I had to change what was happening to me. I had to figure out where the kinks were that were making me so unhappy. I believe that, throughout the year, I have done just that. I do think that I've only just begun this process. I believe that this is something that will be continually evolving, and continually changing.
That's life. I've become much better at accepting my faults and learning the things about me that I need to appreciate more. I've learned to let things go as well as which battles to fight. My appreciation for my life has increased exponentially. I feel my goals and ambition striking once again. I feel like I'm ever so slowly turning back into myself. Let's hope that this new year brings many more promising revelations!
Happy New Year!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
December 27, 2010
Christmas was wonderful this year. I really didn't know what to expect out of it. All season, it had never really felt like "Christmas" to me. When I traveled up to Maryland, I had every expectation that it would finally feel like Christmas. No luck. It honestly didn't start feeling like the "days of old" until I was able to watch Ellie opening her presents. She made out like a bandit too! We have such amazing family members. On both side. So much thought and effort was put into making this holiday fun for my little munchkin. It was a great feeling watching her upwrap all the gifts and wanting to play with EVERY SINGLE TOY!
Tom's family is ridiculously crafty. And I have to put something up about Auntie Beth's gift to Ellie. She crocheted the cutest little sweater for Ellie. It was made to look like Alfred, our cat. It was gray with dark gray stripes on the back, little cat ears on the hood, and a striped tail. It is absolutely adorable, and it came with a little cat book to match it. I really don't want to put down all the gifts that were given to ellie and I received this year for two reasons. (1) It would be too many, and I'd be worried that I'd forget someone or something; and (2) I think its kinda tacky to put all that down. I'd feel like I was gloating.
I remember wanting to tell every single person I saw about every single gift I received as a child. I loved it. My parents always got the three of us so much, or so I thought. The thing was more that my parents knew us. They knew we didn't need lots of toys. They knew that we were easily pleased. The three of us, (Mandi, TJ and myself) will still sit around and talk about how we never really felt like we hadn't had good christmases as children. We were happy. I realize now that all the crayons and coloring books and little barbies were exactly what we wanted.
Now, as the parent, I'm consumed by the idea of getting Ellie lots of toys. My mother has told me time and time again, "Why, she's gonna have her favorites and not bother with the rest of them?" And, she's right. Again. Yes, I've got a wise momma who I really need to learn to listen to more. Christmas is still about being around family. And honestly, that was the best part of this Christmas. Once the chaos of making the dinner and getting everyone situated subsided, I remember smiling a lot more. The kids were playing with PopPop, his kids were picking on him for picking on their kids, and we even got MeeMaw to tickle him. It felt like everything was right. It felt like I would never trade that moment. Watching everyone smile so much and seeing everyone so happy is what Christmas has always been about in our family. I was hard for me to break away from the commercialism of "Christmas," but know that I've gotten the opportunity to experience our family's christmas again, I know what standards I'm really supposed to hold myself to when next Christmas rolls around.
Until then, Merry Christmas to you all, and may you always remember how grateful you should be to have the love of your family.
Tom's family is ridiculously crafty. And I have to put something up about Auntie Beth's gift to Ellie. She crocheted the cutest little sweater for Ellie. It was made to look like Alfred, our cat. It was gray with dark gray stripes on the back, little cat ears on the hood, and a striped tail. It is absolutely adorable, and it came with a little cat book to match it. I really don't want to put down all the gifts that were given to ellie and I received this year for two reasons. (1) It would be too many, and I'd be worried that I'd forget someone or something; and (2) I think its kinda tacky to put all that down. I'd feel like I was gloating.
I remember wanting to tell every single person I saw about every single gift I received as a child. I loved it. My parents always got the three of us so much, or so I thought. The thing was more that my parents knew us. They knew we didn't need lots of toys. They knew that we were easily pleased. The three of us, (Mandi, TJ and myself) will still sit around and talk about how we never really felt like we hadn't had good christmases as children. We were happy. I realize now that all the crayons and coloring books and little barbies were exactly what we wanted.
Now, as the parent, I'm consumed by the idea of getting Ellie lots of toys. My mother has told me time and time again, "Why, she's gonna have her favorites and not bother with the rest of them?" And, she's right. Again. Yes, I've got a wise momma who I really need to learn to listen to more. Christmas is still about being around family. And honestly, that was the best part of this Christmas. Once the chaos of making the dinner and getting everyone situated subsided, I remember smiling a lot more. The kids were playing with PopPop, his kids were picking on him for picking on their kids, and we even got MeeMaw to tickle him. It felt like everything was right. It felt like I would never trade that moment. Watching everyone smile so much and seeing everyone so happy is what Christmas has always been about in our family. I was hard for me to break away from the commercialism of "Christmas," but know that I've gotten the opportunity to experience our family's christmas again, I know what standards I'm really supposed to hold myself to when next Christmas rolls around.
Until then, Merry Christmas to you all, and may you always remember how grateful you should be to have the love of your family.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
December 21, 2010
The year is almost over. I can't believe how quickly it all went by. So many ups. Too many downs. I've had a very busy month since my last entry. So many things to be thankful for. So many things to contemplate. I was able to help some friends, as well as being lucky enough to have some friends help me out in my time of need. I had a great time getting some Black Friday deals and then enjoying LOTS of time living with a great friend while Ellie and I are in transition. I am lucky enough to have parents that bought plane tickets for Ellie and I to travel up north and visit all the family on my side for the Christmas holiday. I love being able to watch Ellie interact with my family. She has spent so much time with them, its great to see how the relationships have never slumped. Especially between Ellie and Addyson. Those two are some of the most entertaining, and aggravating Divas I've ever met (or at least that I can think of quickly).
I've looked back on entries throughout the year and have seen some growth, and my journal has accomplished exactly what I thought it would. It helped me get rid of a lot of pent up negativity. It helped me sort out some of my emotions. I want to keep writing, but I think I will be tweaking it a little. I think with the coming year, I will be including pictures and quite possibly some of my crafts. I can only wait and see what this next year will bring.
I've looked back on entries throughout the year and have seen some growth, and my journal has accomplished exactly what I thought it would. It helped me get rid of a lot of pent up negativity. It helped me sort out some of my emotions. I want to keep writing, but I think I will be tweaking it a little. I think with the coming year, I will be including pictures and quite possibly some of my crafts. I can only wait and see what this next year will bring.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
November 21, 2010
I've realized I'm not where I thought I would be in life right now. I've realized that this is never what I expected to be doing at 26. I also never thought that I would have become this comfortable in my faith. I never thought that I would be thankful to just be.
But I am. I am a woman. I am a daughter. I am a mother. I am a friend. I am a guardian. I am a provider. I am a nuturer. I am confidant. I am stubborn. I am independent. I am original. I am comfortable. I am happy.
Although I may not have been expecting this to be my life, it is. I couldn't ask for anything better. The ups and the downs. I can't say that before I was married, I ever really and truly saw myself as a mother. God obviously had a different plan. Ellie was the best thing to have happened to me. He knew what she would do for me, and what she's still capable of doing for me. I pray that I'm able to repay the favor.
I've realized that all the things I expected out of life when I was a child, and by child I mean even as close as a few years ago, that my dreams were selfish. They were things that would, in the long run, only make me happy. And yes, I do believe that an individual has to be happy and satisfied before they can do anything about helping another person find his/her happiness, but, by my dreams and aspirations changing to making others happy, and finding ways to do that, I realize it is making me happy.
With all the pitfalls included, I have a good life.
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me." ~Erma Bombeck
But I am. I am a woman. I am a daughter. I am a mother. I am a friend. I am a guardian. I am a provider. I am a nuturer. I am confidant. I am stubborn. I am independent. I am original. I am comfortable. I am happy.
Although I may not have been expecting this to be my life, it is. I couldn't ask for anything better. The ups and the downs. I can't say that before I was married, I ever really and truly saw myself as a mother. God obviously had a different plan. Ellie was the best thing to have happened to me. He knew what she would do for me, and what she's still capable of doing for me. I pray that I'm able to repay the favor.
I've realized that all the things I expected out of life when I was a child, and by child I mean even as close as a few years ago, that my dreams were selfish. They were things that would, in the long run, only make me happy. And yes, I do believe that an individual has to be happy and satisfied before they can do anything about helping another person find his/her happiness, but, by my dreams and aspirations changing to making others happy, and finding ways to do that, I realize it is making me happy.
With all the pitfalls included, I have a good life.
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me." ~Erma Bombeck
Friday, November 12, 2010
November 12, 2010
We only have one life to live, and I plan to live mine. I have made choices I regret. I have chosen roads I shouldn't have walked down. But, I know this. I accept it. I will grow from it. There is no other option. Every time that I realize I'm going down a path that's either leading me to a dead end or in the opposite direction of my goals, I know that I must turn around and figure out where I need to go to get where I'm going. It's hard. It's complicated. Some days, it feels as though it's not worth it.
I have chosen to live. The good has to have the bad. Its up to you what you decide to do with those moments. For the life me, I can't remember what movie I was watching, but a particular scene has stuck with me. A man was looking through a photo album talking to his father about how he managed to stay married for as long as he had. The man it seemed as though his father and mother never had any fights. The father laughed, and simply said, its the fights in between the pictures that have made us stronger.
I don't want anyone reading this assume that I'm specifically talking about my marriage in particular. I'm using this scene as a reference to life in general. Of course you don't want to focus on pitfalls that happen, but to ignore that they've happened will get you nowhere. You must accept them and grow from them. God has given us these moments to learn how strong and courageous you really are.
Falling and scraping your knee. Broken bones. Hurt feelings. Heartbreak. Death. These are things we all have and will still face. Remember how often we got hurt as children? It was so simple to just get up and keep moving. Granted, emotional scars are much harder to overcome than physical, but the concept is the same. You may just need a little more time. My current frame of mind is to act. To live. To be the maker of my life, instead of a passive participant. I'm going to take those risks. I'm going to walk down those roads. I will learn from my mistakes.
This is my choice, and I'm grateful that I can make it.
"It is our choices that show who we truly are, far more than our abilities." ~ Joanne Kathleen Rowling
I have chosen to live. The good has to have the bad. Its up to you what you decide to do with those moments. For the life me, I can't remember what movie I was watching, but a particular scene has stuck with me. A man was looking through a photo album talking to his father about how he managed to stay married for as long as he had. The man it seemed as though his father and mother never had any fights. The father laughed, and simply said, its the fights in between the pictures that have made us stronger.
I don't want anyone reading this assume that I'm specifically talking about my marriage in particular. I'm using this scene as a reference to life in general. Of course you don't want to focus on pitfalls that happen, but to ignore that they've happened will get you nowhere. You must accept them and grow from them. God has given us these moments to learn how strong and courageous you really are.
Falling and scraping your knee. Broken bones. Hurt feelings. Heartbreak. Death. These are things we all have and will still face. Remember how often we got hurt as children? It was so simple to just get up and keep moving. Granted, emotional scars are much harder to overcome than physical, but the concept is the same. You may just need a little more time. My current frame of mind is to act. To live. To be the maker of my life, instead of a passive participant. I'm going to take those risks. I'm going to walk down those roads. I will learn from my mistakes.
This is my choice, and I'm grateful that I can make it.
"It is our choices that show who we truly are, far more than our abilities." ~ Joanne Kathleen Rowling
Sunday, November 7, 2010
November 7, 2010
Today we gained an hour. I should be thankful for it. More time in the daylight. Except that today felt like it was never ending. LOL I was fortunate enough to go to a Lebanese Festival with a great friend, and the kids loved it! And they were so well behaved! I loved watching Ellie do her version of the folk dancing. She actually threw a mini fit because she wanted to get down there and dance with them! It was really cute to watch. The festival was nice. There was dancing, as I mentioned before, and a singer. They had typical Lebanese food and a small bazaar set up. They even went so far as to set up play areas for the kids, which, of course, my three kiddos in tow loved! Afterwards we went out for dinner at a restaurant that has a play field (think small soccer field), and a couple play houses to keep the kids entertained. Today was all about the kids, or so they thought. It was great being able to just visit with another adult.
Today was a beautiful day. I loved it, even if it did feel like it took forever to get through. Maybe it had something to do with actually getting the motivation to write in this blog and clearing my brain that made today seem to go so smoothly. Maybe it had to do with watching three amazing kids play together, not a care in the world. Maybe I found my center this morning. Who knows? Well, He does. And whatever His reason, I'm glad it happened. I needed a day like today.
"Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open." ~John Barrymore
Today was a beautiful day. I loved it, even if it did feel like it took forever to get through. Maybe it had something to do with actually getting the motivation to write in this blog and clearing my brain that made today seem to go so smoothly. Maybe it had to do with watching three amazing kids play together, not a care in the world. Maybe I found my center this morning. Who knows? Well, He does. And whatever His reason, I'm glad it happened. I needed a day like today.
"Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open." ~John Barrymore
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Playing Catch Up
Three and a half months. That's how long its been since I've even opened this. The obligation was no longer there. The drive was gone. I didn't have the same compulsion to write as I did at the beginning of the year. There were many time in the past few months that I really should have opened this up and put my thoughts down. Made myself see that the days were going to get better. There were days that I felt the world was crashing down all around me, and I had no where to turn, no shoulder to lean on. Looking back on those moments, I smile. Why? Why would I smile at everything I endured over the summer months? What could have possibly been good about some of the things I had to deal with? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. What I smile about is the simple fact that I'm still here. I'm still persevering. It was just an obstacle in the course of my life. There will be plenty more to come. God put me through the wringer. He tested me time and time again. He challenged me. I overcame the challenges and have grown from them. I am happy to say that I will continue to learn. There is so much out to learn about the world, as well as about myself. I don't want to say that I necessarily look forward to future "opportunities," but I know to try to resist their coming would be futile. I can accept them though. I can be thankful that I love hindsight! It can really put things into perspective. With that being said, I am going to do a relapse of the past three and a half months, to give some idea of what has been going on in my life.
July
It was jam-packed with events. Everything from my side hair jobs, to playgroups, to visiting with friends. I also had my cousin staying with me. She was a huge help in giving me a break from being Ellie's only source of entertainment. Although she did leave sooner that I would've initially liked, I was still very grateful that she came. Not just for my own break, but I was happy she got to see another part of the country. I was able to take her to Seaworld as well as the zoo and Houston. Speaking of going to Houston, on that trip I was lucky enough to see one of my close friends, whom I hadn't seen in about a year. It was so wonderful to be able to spend time with him, even if it was short lived. I remember July feeling so ridiculously busy that I don't really remember ever really sitting down. I knew that I would travelling a lot and there was something major happening every month from that month on. I was trying to mentally prepare myself for everything that was about to be thrown my way.
August
During this month, I knew I had to start to settle. I remember feeling completely drained, and it was starting to run down to Ellie. I remember that I was spending a lot of time in my room, while Ellie would sit out and watch TV. I missed so many opportunities to get on the floor and play with her, times that I will never get back. In August though, that's not what I was focusing on. I had lost focus on so many things. This was by far my hardest month of the past year. Although I hadn't lost my faith, I had stopped talking to Him. I had stopped talking to everyone really. I was pulling away from my friends and my family. I could feel that things were getting bad with me. That the stress was starting to eat away at me. God gave me this insight, and I let go of my pride and began seeing a therapist. I am so thankful for this. Seeing my therapist once a week, I was able to really start sorting through everything that was going through my mind. I starting to learn to refocus on the things that were more important, namely, Ellie. Also, during this month, Steffanie, my best friend from college, came to visit. It had been years since I had seen her, and it was so nice to have a friend from "home." Someone that had known me before I became lost. I was able to glimpse the person I used to be. She made no attempts to let me know that she didn't like this person I had become. And I had to agree with her. She was the "slap in the face" that I needed. This was also the month that I passed my written cosmetology exam.
September
And the traveling starts. I spent the last two weeks of the month visiting my in-laws in Washington State. I had also decided in this month, that the prospect of having another baby was one of the causes of my stress being so high. I needed to spend more time with Ellie and I knew that now was just not the best time to have another little one running around. I decided to get and IUD, and immediately felt that it was the best decision for me, and my family. An awfully personal statement, yes, but being that it had such a strong impact on my stress and what I was going through, I wanted to be completely open about it. I also got a great confidence booster when I passed my Practical Cosmetology exam, and became a licensed Cosmetologist in the great state of Texas. Visiting with my in-laws, and the family up there was very nice. It was very relaxing and it seemed to be exactly what I needed. My mother-in-law was generous enough to watch Ellie for me so I could go out with what few friends I have up north. And Ellie loved being the center of attention, of course. I did have moments of hardship, like trying to find a way to make Tom feel special on his birthday, when he was so far away. I don't honestly think I succeeded, but I'm sure I can make up for it next year.
October
Right after my trip to Washington ended, Ellie and I were right back on the plane headed for Maryland to visit with my family, and for me to get out and just drive some scenic routes. And by right after, I mean there was a 32 hour layover between flights. While in Maryland, I was able to visit a friend who had just had surgery and get him on a flight to see his son. I was also able to celebrate my niece's first birthday in combination with a very early birthday party for Ellie. It was nice to have all the family together. Things were starting to fall back in place, and I seemed to be calming down, once more. I was realizing that like all things, that moment had passed. I felt like I was through it. I was now looking forward to Tom's R&R, Ellie's birthday and Halloween. I also got a visit from the same friend that I had met up with Houston. It was a VERY short trip, not even 12 hours, but he was on his way to Louisiana to get to his little girl. Who was I to hold him up? It was about the time of his visit that I realized how much I truly enjoy having visitors. Tom's visit, in all honesty, had its ups and downs. The downs were short lived and had more to do with my own comfort levels, and some of the deeper conversations we had. I was absolutely blown away by the connection between Ellie and Tom. It was a very nice surprise, and something I hadn't realized I had been worrying about until after it had passed. They both seemed very comfortable in one another's presence. Time had made the hearts grow fonder for sure.
November
Now we're up to date. I tried to include only the major things, and not get into detail about some of the more stressful events. That's not the purpose of this journal.
"Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely." ~Auguste Rodin
I am grateful for life and all its experiences.
July
It was jam-packed with events. Everything from my side hair jobs, to playgroups, to visiting with friends. I also had my cousin staying with me. She was a huge help in giving me a break from being Ellie's only source of entertainment. Although she did leave sooner that I would've initially liked, I was still very grateful that she came. Not just for my own break, but I was happy she got to see another part of the country. I was able to take her to Seaworld as well as the zoo and Houston. Speaking of going to Houston, on that trip I was lucky enough to see one of my close friends, whom I hadn't seen in about a year. It was so wonderful to be able to spend time with him, even if it was short lived. I remember July feeling so ridiculously busy that I don't really remember ever really sitting down. I knew that I would travelling a lot and there was something major happening every month from that month on. I was trying to mentally prepare myself for everything that was about to be thrown my way.
August
During this month, I knew I had to start to settle. I remember feeling completely drained, and it was starting to run down to Ellie. I remember that I was spending a lot of time in my room, while Ellie would sit out and watch TV. I missed so many opportunities to get on the floor and play with her, times that I will never get back. In August though, that's not what I was focusing on. I had lost focus on so many things. This was by far my hardest month of the past year. Although I hadn't lost my faith, I had stopped talking to Him. I had stopped talking to everyone really. I was pulling away from my friends and my family. I could feel that things were getting bad with me. That the stress was starting to eat away at me. God gave me this insight, and I let go of my pride and began seeing a therapist. I am so thankful for this. Seeing my therapist once a week, I was able to really start sorting through everything that was going through my mind. I starting to learn to refocus on the things that were more important, namely, Ellie. Also, during this month, Steffanie, my best friend from college, came to visit. It had been years since I had seen her, and it was so nice to have a friend from "home." Someone that had known me before I became lost. I was able to glimpse the person I used to be. She made no attempts to let me know that she didn't like this person I had become. And I had to agree with her. She was the "slap in the face" that I needed. This was also the month that I passed my written cosmetology exam.
September
And the traveling starts. I spent the last two weeks of the month visiting my in-laws in Washington State. I had also decided in this month, that the prospect of having another baby was one of the causes of my stress being so high. I needed to spend more time with Ellie and I knew that now was just not the best time to have another little one running around. I decided to get and IUD, and immediately felt that it was the best decision for me, and my family. An awfully personal statement, yes, but being that it had such a strong impact on my stress and what I was going through, I wanted to be completely open about it. I also got a great confidence booster when I passed my Practical Cosmetology exam, and became a licensed Cosmetologist in the great state of Texas. Visiting with my in-laws, and the family up there was very nice. It was very relaxing and it seemed to be exactly what I needed. My mother-in-law was generous enough to watch Ellie for me so I could go out with what few friends I have up north. And Ellie loved being the center of attention, of course. I did have moments of hardship, like trying to find a way to make Tom feel special on his birthday, when he was so far away. I don't honestly think I succeeded, but I'm sure I can make up for it next year.
October
Right after my trip to Washington ended, Ellie and I were right back on the plane headed for Maryland to visit with my family, and for me to get out and just drive some scenic routes. And by right after, I mean there was a 32 hour layover between flights. While in Maryland, I was able to visit a friend who had just had surgery and get him on a flight to see his son. I was also able to celebrate my niece's first birthday in combination with a very early birthday party for Ellie. It was nice to have all the family together. Things were starting to fall back in place, and I seemed to be calming down, once more. I was realizing that like all things, that moment had passed. I felt like I was through it. I was now looking forward to Tom's R&R, Ellie's birthday and Halloween. I also got a visit from the same friend that I had met up with Houston. It was a VERY short trip, not even 12 hours, but he was on his way to Louisiana to get to his little girl. Who was I to hold him up? It was about the time of his visit that I realized how much I truly enjoy having visitors. Tom's visit, in all honesty, had its ups and downs. The downs were short lived and had more to do with my own comfort levels, and some of the deeper conversations we had. I was absolutely blown away by the connection between Ellie and Tom. It was a very nice surprise, and something I hadn't realized I had been worrying about until after it had passed. They both seemed very comfortable in one another's presence. Time had made the hearts grow fonder for sure.
November
Now we're up to date. I tried to include only the major things, and not get into detail about some of the more stressful events. That's not the purpose of this journal.
"Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely." ~Auguste Rodin
I am grateful for life and all its experiences.
Monday, July 19, 2010
July 19, 2010
So some days I feel the urge to get on here and write. I feel the need to clear my brain. Get some relief. Most days though, are good. I find it much easier to mentally challenge myself to be positive. To enjoy my life. To view my stresses as obstacles, not problems. I don't feel like giving up anymore. I don't feel like I can't control myself any longer. I feel powerful and positive again. I feel, well, like me. The old me. The me I've been missing for so long now.
Now, it seems that my journal, this journal, is my best aid to helping me tackle the hard days. Everyone has hard days, and who am I to say I don't. Being a "single" mom of a rambunctious toddle, keeping my emotions in check in reference to Tom's deployment and my own loneliness, being the organizer of a Mommy's Group, trying to please the ones I love, AND find some me time in there are some point is a wee bit stressful. But, as my mother told me, you don't have a choice. You do it. Now, I can look back on that statement, and say, "Mom, you were right. As always." It may have seemed hard at the time, but I made it to the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. Each day I'm learning and growing. Every day brings something for me to accomplish, even if its just making it through it in tact!
Everything that has happened to me, has happened for a reason. Without my grandfather's passing, I would have never found God and appreciated Him the way I do now. Without all the broken hearts, I would have never found the love of my life, the father of my child. Without finding that man, I never would have the greatest gift of all. Ellie. So many things happen for so many different reasons. Its hard to see the reasons when everything is falling apart around you. I once read a quote, "Its only impossible in your mind." I feel that that's true. Obviously I can't defy gravity, but I can be the person I want to be. I can see tomorrow. I can do what my heart leads me to do. I can get through my emotions.
Growing up, we envision living in the big homes, having the best cars, having the spouse that make other people dream they were so lucky. Well, for me, I never remembered the dreams having monetary distress, or arguments with said spouse, or a kiddo who is only 2, but is positive is going on 16. I didn't see the bad. Only the good. But, now, I've realized I had to go through the bad to appreciate the good. How else can it truly be appreciated? Of course I won't tell my daughter that life is too hard and to be prepared for hardships, but I will tell her that when things don't seem to be going her way, she either needs to find another direction or persevere. I will make sure she knows she can have whatever she chooses in life, but she has to make those choices. And she will have to figure out how to get to those decisions.
"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is the victory over self." -Aristotle
Look for the silver lining on the darkest clouds. That's what keeps me going.
Now, it seems that my journal, this journal, is my best aid to helping me tackle the hard days. Everyone has hard days, and who am I to say I don't. Being a "single" mom of a rambunctious toddle, keeping my emotions in check in reference to Tom's deployment and my own loneliness, being the organizer of a Mommy's Group, trying to please the ones I love, AND find some me time in there are some point is a wee bit stressful. But, as my mother told me, you don't have a choice. You do it. Now, I can look back on that statement, and say, "Mom, you were right. As always." It may have seemed hard at the time, but I made it to the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. Each day I'm learning and growing. Every day brings something for me to accomplish, even if its just making it through it in tact!
Everything that has happened to me, has happened for a reason. Without my grandfather's passing, I would have never found God and appreciated Him the way I do now. Without all the broken hearts, I would have never found the love of my life, the father of my child. Without finding that man, I never would have the greatest gift of all. Ellie. So many things happen for so many different reasons. Its hard to see the reasons when everything is falling apart around you. I once read a quote, "Its only impossible in your mind." I feel that that's true. Obviously I can't defy gravity, but I can be the person I want to be. I can see tomorrow. I can do what my heart leads me to do. I can get through my emotions.
Growing up, we envision living in the big homes, having the best cars, having the spouse that make other people dream they were so lucky. Well, for me, I never remembered the dreams having monetary distress, or arguments with said spouse, or a kiddo who is only 2, but is positive is going on 16. I didn't see the bad. Only the good. But, now, I've realized I had to go through the bad to appreciate the good. How else can it truly be appreciated? Of course I won't tell my daughter that life is too hard and to be prepared for hardships, but I will tell her that when things don't seem to be going her way, she either needs to find another direction or persevere. I will make sure she knows she can have whatever she chooses in life, but she has to make those choices. And she will have to figure out how to get to those decisions.
"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is the victory over self." -Aristotle
Look for the silver lining on the darkest clouds. That's what keeps me going.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
June 2, 2010
God blessed south texas with a wonderful storm. Although it did make me slightly homesick, I loved it. Not only does it cool the air down, which we so badly need, already, but I know the effects it'll have in the morning. Everything will be greener and more refreshed looking. Alive. I love the rain, when its not an every day occurrence. It's so necessary and vital for life to function, even in its simplest form.
I'm grateful that I was brought up to appreciate nature, without being a fanatic about it. Respect the world and in return it will give your life beautiful sights, countless memories, and the scents of the world that, in an instant, can take you back to your grandmother's kitchen, cooking biscuits and gravy. Every day is a blessing. It doesn't matter what outside actually looks like. I'm here, you're here. That's all that matters. Accepting that nature is ever changing is the best way to approach your life.
How boring would life be if every day was snowy and dreary, or sunny and 95? Although you may like that for 364 days of the year, you'd eventually want one day of change. Finding beauty in all the seasons helps you to enjoy the here and now instead of constantly wishing for something else. The here and now. How often can I honestly say I've sat down and said, I'm happy. Right here. Right now.
It is my goal to make it that statement a priority in my life. God's refreshing rain brought on a refreshing outlook that some way or another got misplaced in the hustle and bustle of my overly stressed and energetically chaotic lifestyle! Its the lifestyle I've chosen for myself, for now.
"A positive attitude is a person's passport to a better tomorrow." --Anonymous
Good night.
I'm grateful that I was brought up to appreciate nature, without being a fanatic about it. Respect the world and in return it will give your life beautiful sights, countless memories, and the scents of the world that, in an instant, can take you back to your grandmother's kitchen, cooking biscuits and gravy. Every day is a blessing. It doesn't matter what outside actually looks like. I'm here, you're here. That's all that matters. Accepting that nature is ever changing is the best way to approach your life.
How boring would life be if every day was snowy and dreary, or sunny and 95? Although you may like that for 364 days of the year, you'd eventually want one day of change. Finding beauty in all the seasons helps you to enjoy the here and now instead of constantly wishing for something else. The here and now. How often can I honestly say I've sat down and said, I'm happy. Right here. Right now.
It is my goal to make it that statement a priority in my life. God's refreshing rain brought on a refreshing outlook that some way or another got misplaced in the hustle and bustle of my overly stressed and energetically chaotic lifestyle! Its the lifestyle I've chosen for myself, for now.
"A positive attitude is a person's passport to a better tomorrow." --Anonymous
Good night.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
June 1, 2010
I'm very simply grateful for my friends. They make my days go smoother. They make my stress seem less important. They help pick me up when I'm down. I love my friends, old and new alike. Without them and their support I wouldn't be anywhere close to who I am today. As one friend told me... they are my rocks. They are who I turn to when I need a shoulder to cry on or someone to share a good laugh with.
My friends are so important to me, and I love each of them deeply and differently. They have earned their own sorts of love. And my love is permanent.
Good night.
My friends are so important to me, and I love each of them deeply and differently. They have earned their own sorts of love. And my love is permanent.
Good night.
Monday, May 31, 2010
May 31, 2010
Today is Memorial Day. A day to remember the fallen. A day to be grateful for the men and women who have served our country and have lost their lives in the process. I am so grateful to live in a country where so many great things are possible. The simple right of choice is something taken so lightly that most don't even realize how wonderful a privilege it really is.
Although Tom is 4000 miles away, I know he is fighting for what is right. If nothing else, he is helping to protect Ellie and me from some of the horrors that some countries see on a daily basis.
Today is a somber day, yet, I feel myself filling with pride with my husband's service. Only 3% of our citizens are willing and able to contribute in a way that my husband has seen fit. Not to mention, his is a volunteer service. He is choosing to protect fellow Americans. I am grateful that nothing has happened to him, and will continue be so as long as God is protecting us all.
I remember the fallen and am honored to be an American.
"The patriot's blood is the seed of Freedom's tree." ~Thomas Campbell
Good night.
Although Tom is 4000 miles away, I know he is fighting for what is right. If nothing else, he is helping to protect Ellie and me from some of the horrors that some countries see on a daily basis.
Today is a somber day, yet, I feel myself filling with pride with my husband's service. Only 3% of our citizens are willing and able to contribute in a way that my husband has seen fit. Not to mention, his is a volunteer service. He is choosing to protect fellow Americans. I am grateful that nothing has happened to him, and will continue be so as long as God is protecting us all.
I remember the fallen and am honored to be an American.
"The patriot's blood is the seed of Freedom's tree." ~Thomas Campbell
Good night.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
May 30, 2010
Things have started getting hectic once again. I have found that I am no longer sensing that feeling of balance and self control. I need to refocus and get a baseline of positive thinking started once again. I became complacent, and have realized this is definitely going to be something that I will work on for the rest of my life. My emotions go completely hay wire when I am stressed, and I need a way to channel that frustration. So, again, I am making it a point to find things of which to be grateful.
I made a very important decision last night and I realized that I am turning into that decisive character I once was. Long before marriage and children. Long before college. I used to be a girl who knew exactly what she wanted. I am finding that once again. It has been close to a decade since I've had the feeling of yes, this is what I want. Time has brought me full circle, and I have learned and am still learning from the many trivial mistakes I make.
Right now, my goal in life is to be happy. My decision I believe will lead me in that direction. I am grateful that I am able to think so rationally about this when I have so much else going on in my life.
Good night.
I made a very important decision last night and I realized that I am turning into that decisive character I once was. Long before marriage and children. Long before college. I used to be a girl who knew exactly what she wanted. I am finding that once again. It has been close to a decade since I've had the feeling of yes, this is what I want. Time has brought me full circle, and I have learned and am still learning from the many trivial mistakes I make.
Right now, my goal in life is to be happy. My decision I believe will lead me in that direction. I am grateful that I am able to think so rationally about this when I have so much else going on in my life.
Good night.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
May 20, 2010
Ellie needed to be taken to the ER today. I am always scared when I have to do that. She had a fever of 104 and was coughing and throwing up (only once), and at one point told me that it hurt to pee. Even though she is on amoxicillin, I called Mom and she told me that she would need a different type of antibiotic for a UTI. It would've been her second UTI under the age of three, which would've meant a trip to a urologist to see if she has urinary reflux. Luckily, that wasn't the issue. By the time we saw a doctor, the temperature had completely subsided and she wasn't having any pain, according to her that is.
So I am again grateful for my daughter's health and resiliency. I understand that children get sick, but as a mother, its heart-wrenching to watch your child in any kind of pain. I've even had to deal with Ellie telling me a little boy "broke her heart." It was absolutely adorable, but at the same time, she was really upset about it. How would a 2 year old know about a broken heart. Silly TV.
In any event, I'm very grateful that she has completely come around and is eating and drinking normally again, although cranky.
Also, in the news the other day, a suicide bomber exploded on Bagram Airfield. I hadn't heard anything about it until another spouse asked if I had heard from Tom. Unfortunately, Tom doesn't get to call or email that often, so of course I hadn't. My heart completely fell out of my chest. She explained that she didn't mean to frighten me but that everyone was fine, and was just curious to see if I had heard from him.
I'm so grateful that I did get to hear from him that day. He explained that he and the rest of the unit were fine. I miss him so much and the idea that he is much closer to harm than I originally thought is quite worrisome. I'm ready for him to come home. Thanks to modern communication technology, the worries I have, although valid, are some what alleviated. I'm grateful to be a spouse in this era, versus the eras of wars past, when you may not hear from your loved one for weeks, months and years at a time, if at all.
There is so much to be grateful for, and I know God is behind all of it. I thank Him above all else.
Good night.
So I am again grateful for my daughter's health and resiliency. I understand that children get sick, but as a mother, its heart-wrenching to watch your child in any kind of pain. I've even had to deal with Ellie telling me a little boy "broke her heart." It was absolutely adorable, but at the same time, she was really upset about it. How would a 2 year old know about a broken heart. Silly TV.
In any event, I'm very grateful that she has completely come around and is eating and drinking normally again, although cranky.
Also, in the news the other day, a suicide bomber exploded on Bagram Airfield. I hadn't heard anything about it until another spouse asked if I had heard from Tom. Unfortunately, Tom doesn't get to call or email that often, so of course I hadn't. My heart completely fell out of my chest. She explained that she didn't mean to frighten me but that everyone was fine, and was just curious to see if I had heard from him.
I'm so grateful that I did get to hear from him that day. He explained that he and the rest of the unit were fine. I miss him so much and the idea that he is much closer to harm than I originally thought is quite worrisome. I'm ready for him to come home. Thanks to modern communication technology, the worries I have, although valid, are some what alleviated. I'm grateful to be a spouse in this era, versus the eras of wars past, when you may not hear from your loved one for weeks, months and years at a time, if at all.
There is so much to be grateful for, and I know God is behind all of it. I thank Him above all else.
Good night.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
May 11, 2010
I find that its easier to keep this journal up as long as I don't see it as a chore. My stress level has gone down significantly, which was one of the major reasons for starting this. Now, this journal is just a reminder of why I'm so much easier to get along with! LOL
Mother's Day was a wonderful day for me. I was lucky enough to be able to spend the morning with friends and their children and then the ladies went to paint pottery. It was a very enjoyable experience. There is an active train track right next to the pottery place, and when a train would come by, I would take the girls out and they loved it. It was so nice to have them so easily entertained, plus they loved painting! The weather was on our side and there are honestly too many things to be grateful for to mention all of them.
Of course the major thing that I was grateful for that day was simply the gift of being blessed with Ellie. She really is a blessing in every way. She's my teacher and daughter. She's my everything. I have a good life. I'm wealthy in so many ways that the financial problems seem insignificant by comparison. Only a parent could understand.
I look at Ellie, and I know that everything will work itself out.
Good night.
Mother's Day was a wonderful day for me. I was lucky enough to be able to spend the morning with friends and their children and then the ladies went to paint pottery. It was a very enjoyable experience. There is an active train track right next to the pottery place, and when a train would come by, I would take the girls out and they loved it. It was so nice to have them so easily entertained, plus they loved painting! The weather was on our side and there are honestly too many things to be grateful for to mention all of them.
Of course the major thing that I was grateful for that day was simply the gift of being blessed with Ellie. She really is a blessing in every way. She's my teacher and daughter. She's my everything. I have a good life. I'm wealthy in so many ways that the financial problems seem insignificant by comparison. Only a parent could understand.
I look at Ellie, and I know that everything will work itself out.
Good night.
Monday, May 3, 2010
May 3, 2010
Recently, I changed my gym membership from the YMCA to Lifetime Fitness. I love it! Not only is the atmosphere awesome, I know people there! That second part works against me (in a good way) at some points. I've started taking classes, and wow, these classes are really working me! Its nice to have people there to support and encourage me. I feel obliged to meet them there if we had set up a time to go to a class together. Its a good, and healthy obligation. My hopes are that I can get my butt back in gear and into the gym on a regular basis. Knowing so many people has really helped me stop making excuses why I shouldn't go. Plus the day care is open from 8 am to 8 pm, and I'm paying for 2 hours every day, so why not use it?! The hardest part of my weight loss journey is going to be watching my caloric intake, but even for that I have something to be grateful for! I am a Weight Watchers member, and even though I haven't been sticking to the plan, I still make a point to go there and attend the meetings. I may not have lost any more weight, but I HAVEN'T gained. Maintaining seems to be just as hard as losing, so I'll take it! My meetings leader is awesome though! She gave me her cell number so I can call or text her with any questions, or need some words of encouragement. I love this girl! She's lost 86 lbs on Weight Watchers. I know I can do this, I just have to stick to my plan and keep my goals in mind.
Having a support system is so vitally important to me that I feel I almost take it for granted. I've always had one. It could have been with my family or friends, and for various reasons. I consider my support groups my counselors, as they help guide me towards a better me. A friend once said she was imperfectly beautiful. I love it! That's speaks to me and is such a wonderful way to see life. Right now, I've got my family to support some of my life decision, my FRG to help support me with this deployment, my mommy's group to help support my SANITY with Ellie, and many friends who are helping me along my weight loss and healthy lifestyle journey. To all of them, I am grateful.
Good night.
Having a support system is so vitally important to me that I feel I almost take it for granted. I've always had one. It could have been with my family or friends, and for various reasons. I consider my support groups my counselors, as they help guide me towards a better me. A friend once said she was imperfectly beautiful. I love it! That's speaks to me and is such a wonderful way to see life. Right now, I've got my family to support some of my life decision, my FRG to help support me with this deployment, my mommy's group to help support my SANITY with Ellie, and many friends who are helping me along my weight loss and healthy lifestyle journey. To all of them, I am grateful.
Good night.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
April 27, 2010
Everything happens for a reason, right? I learned today that one of my very good friends is a former practicing Satanist. I used to have the stereotypical vision of what a Satanist believed and practiced. The opportunity came up today to find out what her religious beliefs, if any, she had. She really opened my eyes. I have a much better view of that particular belief system, and although may not be for me, I'm still very glad we talked about it.
Being able to keep an open mind, especially about hard topics, keep me sane. I'm not sure how, but learning something new always excites me! I always loved school for that reason. Learning should be a never ending endeavor, be it through academic learning, or life lessons.
I was also involved with a friend of mine involving forgiveness. How hard is it really to forgive someone? I used to believe that no one deserved my forgiveness, but I deserved everyone's forgiveness, because, of course I didn't mean it. How selfish of me. I really hurt this friend and I regret the way things happened, but I used to pray that he would forgive me for my choices. Almost 5 years later, he has. And now we have an absolutely wonderful relationship. Throughout the years, I would think of him, and then think about all the people who may have asked for forgiveness from me. I was never willing to give it. Its not my place to NOT forgive. God has forgiven all of our sins, so why can't I? He gave his only son to do that, and all I have to do is say, "I forgive you." and move on. So simple. Its a never ending process, like learning, and patience.
I'm grateful to have come so far in my life. That can be taken on numerous levels. My spirituality, personal growth, financial, etc. I have a good life, I do. Some days are harder than others, but I have a good life.
Good night.
Being able to keep an open mind, especially about hard topics, keep me sane. I'm not sure how, but learning something new always excites me! I always loved school for that reason. Learning should be a never ending endeavor, be it through academic learning, or life lessons.
I was also involved with a friend of mine involving forgiveness. How hard is it really to forgive someone? I used to believe that no one deserved my forgiveness, but I deserved everyone's forgiveness, because, of course I didn't mean it. How selfish of me. I really hurt this friend and I regret the way things happened, but I used to pray that he would forgive me for my choices. Almost 5 years later, he has. And now we have an absolutely wonderful relationship. Throughout the years, I would think of him, and then think about all the people who may have asked for forgiveness from me. I was never willing to give it. Its not my place to NOT forgive. God has forgiven all of our sins, so why can't I? He gave his only son to do that, and all I have to do is say, "I forgive you." and move on. So simple. Its a never ending process, like learning, and patience.
I'm grateful to have come so far in my life. That can be taken on numerous levels. My spirituality, personal growth, financial, etc. I have a good life, I do. Some days are harder than others, but I have a good life.
Good night.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
April 25, 2010
Besides the nasty rope burn I got from Inga today (during our walk), today was a good day. I was hosting a meetup with my Mommy's group today at SeaWorld, and God blessed us with an absolutely BEAUTIFUL day! I couldn't have asked for anything better. The kids all had a good time and the parents all enjoyed one another's company.
At one point today, I had a moment of pride questioning. I occasionally suffer from migraines, but not as often since I've stopped the birth control while Tom's gone. I got one today that was leaving me almost completely useless and really didn't know what I was supposed to do. I had that moment of helplessness. One of the first since Tom's been gone. I don't like to ask for help, but I knew I was no good to Ellie in the condition I was in. She was being such a wonderful little girl though. I'm grateful that she understood that I wasn't myself. She just sat there with me and tried to help me "feel better." My little nurse. I let my pride go and called my local savior, Lydia. She came without question to pick Ellie up and let me sleep some of the headache off. I wasn't able to sleep, but just being able to close my eyes and not think helped immensely! And then, when I went to pick Ellie up, Lydia had (more or less) prepared dinner for me so I wouldn't have to cook or go through a drive through! I love that girl! I know I've mentioned her before in other entries, but I really am grateful to have someone like her. I don't know where I'd be without her.
Luckily, the headache went away and I'm sitting her in a peaceful, although messy, house. My munchkin is sleeping soundly, and I've got my iPod keeping me entertained. Its a good ending to an overall good day.
"I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar." ~Robert Brault
Good night.
At one point today, I had a moment of pride questioning. I occasionally suffer from migraines, but not as often since I've stopped the birth control while Tom's gone. I got one today that was leaving me almost completely useless and really didn't know what I was supposed to do. I had that moment of helplessness. One of the first since Tom's been gone. I don't like to ask for help, but I knew I was no good to Ellie in the condition I was in. She was being such a wonderful little girl though. I'm grateful that she understood that I wasn't myself. She just sat there with me and tried to help me "feel better." My little nurse. I let my pride go and called my local savior, Lydia. She came without question to pick Ellie up and let me sleep some of the headache off. I wasn't able to sleep, but just being able to close my eyes and not think helped immensely! And then, when I went to pick Ellie up, Lydia had (more or less) prepared dinner for me so I wouldn't have to cook or go through a drive through! I love that girl! I know I've mentioned her before in other entries, but I really am grateful to have someone like her. I don't know where I'd be without her.
Luckily, the headache went away and I'm sitting her in a peaceful, although messy, house. My munchkin is sleeping soundly, and I've got my iPod keeping me entertained. Its a good ending to an overall good day.
"I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar." ~Robert Brault
Good night.
Friday, April 23, 2010
April 23, 2010
Wow. Two plus weeks since I've written. I don't feel horrible about it but at the same time, I feel like I let down my own responsibility. There was so much going on these past couple of weeks that this journal got put off to the back burners. There are so many things I want to make sure I get written down so that I don't forget them in the coming years.
I recently had to have a tumor removed from my thumb. This was an issue that I've been dealing with since Christmas when I first discovered the mass. I originally thought it was a cyst and just happened to ask the doc about it at my yearly physical. He wanted to have it surgically removed because he thought it was too deep to just drain. One x-ray and two MRI's later, I was in orthopedics, finding out the mass was a tumor, not a cyst. After scheduling my surgery appointment, I saw the hand surgeon, and he's the one who suggested that the tumor may actually be sarcoma, which is a soft tissue cancer. I was scared. The thought of having to go through Chemotherapy and not being able to take care of Ellie was heart wrenching. My mother, my rock, was there for me. She bought a plane ticket and came here for a week, just in case! She helped me so much during the week following the surgery, she was a true God send for me! I can't even begin to say how grateful I am for her and for everything she did and does for me!
I got the results from the tumor yesterday, and God was listening to my prayers! The tumor was benign and the likelihood of re-occurrence is almost non-existent! I am so grateful that this shouldn't be an issue I deal with in the future! God listened to me! He heard my fears and answered me! There are so few feelings that compare to the feeling of knowing you DON'T have cancer.
For now, that's all the time I have. I have to get back to my munchkin since she just woke up from her nap. I'm glad I had the chance to get that all down. I may have more time this evening to write more, but we'll just have to see how things go!
Have a great day!
I recently had to have a tumor removed from my thumb. This was an issue that I've been dealing with since Christmas when I first discovered the mass. I originally thought it was a cyst and just happened to ask the doc about it at my yearly physical. He wanted to have it surgically removed because he thought it was too deep to just drain. One x-ray and two MRI's later, I was in orthopedics, finding out the mass was a tumor, not a cyst. After scheduling my surgery appointment, I saw the hand surgeon, and he's the one who suggested that the tumor may actually be sarcoma, which is a soft tissue cancer. I was scared. The thought of having to go through Chemotherapy and not being able to take care of Ellie was heart wrenching. My mother, my rock, was there for me. She bought a plane ticket and came here for a week, just in case! She helped me so much during the week following the surgery, she was a true God send for me! I can't even begin to say how grateful I am for her and for everything she did and does for me!
I got the results from the tumor yesterday, and God was listening to my prayers! The tumor was benign and the likelihood of re-occurrence is almost non-existent! I am so grateful that this shouldn't be an issue I deal with in the future! God listened to me! He heard my fears and answered me! There are so few feelings that compare to the feeling of knowing you DON'T have cancer.
For now, that's all the time I have. I have to get back to my munchkin since she just woke up from her nap. I'm glad I had the chance to get that all down. I may have more time this evening to write more, but we'll just have to see how things go!
Have a great day!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
April 7, 2010
It been almost a week since I've taken the time to journal. I have found out some potentially very bad news. Until I know for sure that it is true though, I'm not going to document what the news is. My fear is documenting it will be a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.
I do admit that I need to starting balancing myself again. I have overcome some major milestones since the establishment of this journal, and to give up on it when my life has become less than pleasant would be hypocritical. There are still a million things to be grateful for that I've started to take for granted. My faith, my family, my friends. Knowing that Tom is safe. Watching Ellie "grow up" right before my eyes.
Many of these things are taken for granted, and I need to remember that its the little things that count. When you look through a photo album, you see the major event. But what about all the minor things that happened in between "photo shoots?" Those minor things are the glue.
It is time to balance myself. It is time to show my gratitude!
Good night.
I do admit that I need to starting balancing myself again. I have overcome some major milestones since the establishment of this journal, and to give up on it when my life has become less than pleasant would be hypocritical. There are still a million things to be grateful for that I've started to take for granted. My faith, my family, my friends. Knowing that Tom is safe. Watching Ellie "grow up" right before my eyes.
Many of these things are taken for granted, and I need to remember that its the little things that count. When you look through a photo album, you see the major event. But what about all the minor things that happened in between "photo shoots?" Those minor things are the glue.
It is time to balance myself. It is time to show my gratitude!
Good night.
Friday, April 2, 2010
April 2, 2010
Another month gone! It is really amazing to me how quickly the months are passing. I'm sure that sounds like a broken record, but right now, I'm grateful. There are still moments where I wish time would stand still, but ultimately, I want Tom home.
I went out this evening for a very enjoyable dinner with an unlikely source. I thought of her as merely an associate up until this evening, but am so very happy I met with her. It just seemed to be one of those weeks, and we both felt the need to go out for a beer or two. We decided to meet up at Joe's Crab Shack and have dinner there as well. We chose Joe's because of the playground attached. I honestly didn't know how the conversation would flow, but 2.5 hours later, we were finally able to call it a night. We were both amazed at how much we have in common and how freely the conversations flowed. It was such a nice change of pace from all the busy-ness of life lately.
It takes a lot for me to put myself out there with new people, but I'm so glad and grateful that I did this evening. Trusting people is something that I'm very skeptical of, but tend to do easily. I do give people the benefit of the doubt, and I'm okay with that. At some points it makes me feel more vulnerable, and others, more gracious. Its a fine line, but only one that can be deciphered through experience.
Today as a whole was a good day. There was excitement and laughter as well as relaxation and a sense of calm.
"Strangers are just friends waiting to happen." ~Rod McKuen
Good night.
I went out this evening for a very enjoyable dinner with an unlikely source. I thought of her as merely an associate up until this evening, but am so very happy I met with her. It just seemed to be one of those weeks, and we both felt the need to go out for a beer or two. We decided to meet up at Joe's Crab Shack and have dinner there as well. We chose Joe's because of the playground attached. I honestly didn't know how the conversation would flow, but 2.5 hours later, we were finally able to call it a night. We were both amazed at how much we have in common and how freely the conversations flowed. It was such a nice change of pace from all the busy-ness of life lately.
It takes a lot for me to put myself out there with new people, but I'm so glad and grateful that I did this evening. Trusting people is something that I'm very skeptical of, but tend to do easily. I do give people the benefit of the doubt, and I'm okay with that. At some points it makes me feel more vulnerable, and others, more gracious. Its a fine line, but only one that can be deciphered through experience.
Today as a whole was a good day. There was excitement and laughter as well as relaxation and a sense of calm.
"Strangers are just friends waiting to happen." ~Rod McKuen
Good night.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
March 31, 2010
Wow, the past couple of days have just flown by. That could be considered a good thing because I'm effortlessly one day closer to being with Tom. I'm more than ready for him to come home.
The thing that I'm grateful for tonight is that I've found a motivation to get healthy. There were no external sources. I just decided that I need this for me. I always feel better when I'm working at being healthy, so why shouldn't I try harder to achieve that goal? I've made the conscience effort to go the gym 5 days a week as well as track my food points so I'm watching my nutritional intake.
I want this to work, and I've got the tools to do it. Now that I've found motivation again, my goals seem realistic again!
Good night.
The thing that I'm grateful for tonight is that I've found a motivation to get healthy. There were no external sources. I just decided that I need this for me. I always feel better when I'm working at being healthy, so why shouldn't I try harder to achieve that goal? I've made the conscience effort to go the gym 5 days a week as well as track my food points so I'm watching my nutritional intake.
I want this to work, and I've got the tools to do it. Now that I've found motivation again, my goals seem realistic again!
Good night.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
March 28, 2010
Today, we didn't leave the house except to walk the dogs. Good that we were taking it slow today, but bad because it was a gorgeous day out today! On another good note though, I did have friends come over and keep me company.
My entry tonight is about how grateful I am for realizing that I can't control it all. There have been some negative things happening in my life recently, and I was starting to really get stressed out about them. I can't control everything! That's hard for me to admit, but I'm grateful that I can. Relinquishing some of my control to God is what's keeping me sane. He will take care of me, and those I love. That is all I need.
"Happy are the meek. Happy are the yielded. Happy are those who trustingly put their lives, their fortunes and their futures in the capable hands of their Creator. Happy are those who let go and let God."
~~Billy Graham
The Secret of Happiness
Good night.
My entry tonight is about how grateful I am for realizing that I can't control it all. There have been some negative things happening in my life recently, and I was starting to really get stressed out about them. I can't control everything! That's hard for me to admit, but I'm grateful that I can. Relinquishing some of my control to God is what's keeping me sane. He will take care of me, and those I love. That is all I need.
"Happy are the meek. Happy are the yielded. Happy are those who trustingly put their lives, their fortunes and their futures in the capable hands of their Creator. Happy are those who let go and let God."
~~Billy Graham
The Secret of Happiness
Good night.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
March 27, 2010
Today was all in all a very good time. I want to get out the "bad" things though. Today, 10 years ago, my grandfather died. That's a hard memory for me, but he is remembered with my utmost love. The other thing is that I found out Ellie has bronchitis today. It's a mild case, so no antibiotics, but its there nonetheless. There is a possibility for pneumonia too, so we are going back in 5-7 days, depending on how she's acting.
Now, onto the good stuff. I GOT TO SEE TOM! It was so wonderful. I love him so much. Actually seeing his reactions to the things Ellie was saying was worth everything to me. And she was sooo happy to see him! At one point she did get sad, and said:
"Mommy, I haven't seen Daddy in a long time."
me: "I know baby..."
her: looking right into the camera at Tom, "But Daddy, I need you."
We both got a little choked up, and I quickly changed the subject to day to day living. I do miss him a lot more now, but this feeling is worth it to be able to see him. I'm hoping to do it again next month.
I'm so grateful that Tom's unit put this together and I was able to get a slot. He means so much to me now that having him so far away hurts. Technology is such a wonderful thing. The video teleconferences are supposed to happen every two weeks, but they're slotting people so that you can't go two weeks in a row, which I understand. So here's hoping I get my slot for next month's VTC.
"In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged." ~Hans Nouwen
Good night.
Now, onto the good stuff. I GOT TO SEE TOM! It was so wonderful. I love him so much. Actually seeing his reactions to the things Ellie was saying was worth everything to me. And she was sooo happy to see him! At one point she did get sad, and said:
"Mommy, I haven't seen Daddy in a long time."
me: "I know baby..."
her: looking right into the camera at Tom, "But Daddy, I need you."
We both got a little choked up, and I quickly changed the subject to day to day living. I do miss him a lot more now, but this feeling is worth it to be able to see him. I'm hoping to do it again next month.
I'm so grateful that Tom's unit put this together and I was able to get a slot. He means so much to me now that having him so far away hurts. Technology is such a wonderful thing. The video teleconferences are supposed to happen every two weeks, but they're slotting people so that you can't go two weeks in a row, which I understand. So here's hoping I get my slot for next month's VTC.
"In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged." ~Hans Nouwen
Good night.
Friday, March 26, 2010
March 26, 2010
I've only got one thing on my mind right now, so I'll put it down and elaborate more tomorrow.
I've got a video teleconference call with Tom tomorrow. I've been missing him a lot recently, so it'll be nice to see him. I'm really looking forward to it, and I'm anxious to see how Ellie reacts to it. Details tomorrow.
Good night.
I've got a video teleconference call with Tom tomorrow. I've been missing him a lot recently, so it'll be nice to see him. I'm really looking forward to it, and I'm anxious to see how Ellie reacts to it. Details tomorrow.
Good night.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
March 25, 2010
The first thing that immediately comes to mind when I think about what I'm grateful for is my husband's sense of humor. I've got a super huge crush on Taylor Lautner, and my husband is just rolling with the punches since I've seen New Moon. He's making jokes all the while, and I love him for it. He knows he's the only man for me! Reading his little comments puts a smile on my face when I've been missing him horribly the past couple of days. Everyone has their fantasies, and Tom is a great sport about me airing my little crush. I love him more than words could ever say, and I am grateful for him.
I love you, babe.
Good night.
I love you, babe.
Good night.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
March 23, 2010
Today was absolutely exhausting! But I got everything done that I planned, and I'm grateful for that. I made it to the gym before everything else, and I think that set me on the right path for the rest of the day. I'm grateful though, for a couple of things.
In 2008, I went back to school to study cosmetology. I fell in love and found I have a real passion and "knack" for it. Since then, I've been having some real difficulties getting my license with the state of TX for various reasons, so I've put it on hold. I have been offering my services to my mommy's group, and a couple of people have taken me up on it. After today's client though, I know I need to get my license. I loved it, and I've received so much positive feedback it's amazing. Regardless of how much I love Ellie, there is just something so rewarding to have someone give you a pat on the back and say "good job." I'm grateful for both the luxury of being able to stay home with Ellie as well as having a skill that can get me somewhere!
Another thing I'm grateful for is Ellie's presence. I met another military spouse who looked like she was in her third trimester. I asked her which baby number she was on and she hesitated just for a second. She then told me this was baby number 5!! How crazy is that?! And right after telling me that, she also informed me that two years ago, three of her children died in a car accident. She has her eldest, who is 13, and now this one coming, her first boy. What was even worse was that the three little girls died on the eldest child's birthday. How horribly sad is that? I can't even begin to comprehend the emotions that that family had to endure. Ellie is definitely a blessing to me and I pray to God that nothing fatal happens to her. I honestly cannot picture my life without her in it! She is healthy and vibrant. She fiery and charismatic. She loving and nurturing. She's my baby, and I'll always see her that way.
There are so many things today, in this age, to be grateful for. I will always be grateful for Ellie.
"A mother's treasure is her daughter." ~Catherine Pulsifer, Inspirational Words of Wisdom
Good night.
In 2008, I went back to school to study cosmetology. I fell in love and found I have a real passion and "knack" for it. Since then, I've been having some real difficulties getting my license with the state of TX for various reasons, so I've put it on hold. I have been offering my services to my mommy's group, and a couple of people have taken me up on it. After today's client though, I know I need to get my license. I loved it, and I've received so much positive feedback it's amazing. Regardless of how much I love Ellie, there is just something so rewarding to have someone give you a pat on the back and say "good job." I'm grateful for both the luxury of being able to stay home with Ellie as well as having a skill that can get me somewhere!
Another thing I'm grateful for is Ellie's presence. I met another military spouse who looked like she was in her third trimester. I asked her which baby number she was on and she hesitated just for a second. She then told me this was baby number 5!! How crazy is that?! And right after telling me that, she also informed me that two years ago, three of her children died in a car accident. She has her eldest, who is 13, and now this one coming, her first boy. What was even worse was that the three little girls died on the eldest child's birthday. How horribly sad is that? I can't even begin to comprehend the emotions that that family had to endure. Ellie is definitely a blessing to me and I pray to God that nothing fatal happens to her. I honestly cannot picture my life without her in it! She is healthy and vibrant. She fiery and charismatic. She loving and nurturing. She's my baby, and I'll always see her that way.
There are so many things today, in this age, to be grateful for. I will always be grateful for Ellie.
"A mother's treasure is her daughter." ~Catherine Pulsifer, Inspirational Words of Wisdom
Good night.
Monday, March 22, 2010
March 22, 2010
Things have been a little hectic around here the past couple of days. By the time bed time rolls around, I'm way more than ready for it. There has been a nagging in the back of my brain that I needed to write in my journal... in THE journal. So to start, I'm grateful to be busy, but not overwhelmed. I'll also be grateful when things calm down a bit more. I've started to notice cycles, so that will actually help me anticipate what's coming next. I'm also grateful that I've got the most adorbale little girl! She was so friggin' cute today! I've been gushing over her all day, which is definitely not like me. I guess she was hitting every right button with me today. I'm also grateful that our property managers are letting us out of our lease so that I can move into a rental home. The stress of moving will be high, but it will be worth it to have a backyard for the pups and Ellie to play in while Tom's deployed. I've got another SUPER busy day tomorrow, so this is it for tonight.
Good night.
Good night.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
March 20, 2010
My eyes are really tired right now and I don't know where my glasses are so this is going to be short and sweet. I'm super grateful that Ellie AND Arthur went down without any complaints tonight, and there was no serious fighting that I had to deal with. I'm also very grateful for Skype, because I finally got to SEE my best friend for the first time in years!! Thank you skype!
Good night!
(I really wish I could expand, but I'm letting my eyes decide because I don't want a headache later.)
Good night!
(I really wish I could expand, but I'm letting my eyes decide because I don't want a headache later.)
Friday, March 19, 2010
March 19, 2010
This evening I was talking with one of my very best and dearest friends. Things haven't exactly been going as she planned them, and I was really didn't know what advice to give her. This is what I told her, in a nut shell:
"You need your own gratitude journal. I know its cheesy and time consuming, but it sounds like you need it now more than ever. You've said you know you won't be able to find positive things about your day, and that to me is the biggest indicator that you need this. You're angry, I understand that. I was angry all the time too, before I started my journal. The journal has made some major movements in my life and has made things so much more bearable. That's not to say I still don't have days where I'm sitting for 15-20 minutes, wondering what in the Hell I'm going to write about because my day felt that horrible. Those are the days that are the hardest, and those are the days that I need my journal the most. Even if I use my fall back of being grateful that I'm alive, it's something! There is always SOMETHING to be grateful for."
I love this friend with my whole heart and wish that life would settle down and give her a break. I'm grateful that I have some experience that I can lend to her, and I honestly pray that she at least tries to find positive things throughout the upcoming days and weeks.
So, once again, I'm grateful for having started this journal, and starting to change my perspective on life.
Good night.
"You need your own gratitude journal. I know its cheesy and time consuming, but it sounds like you need it now more than ever. You've said you know you won't be able to find positive things about your day, and that to me is the biggest indicator that you need this. You're angry, I understand that. I was angry all the time too, before I started my journal. The journal has made some major movements in my life and has made things so much more bearable. That's not to say I still don't have days where I'm sitting for 15-20 minutes, wondering what in the Hell I'm going to write about because my day felt that horrible. Those are the days that are the hardest, and those are the days that I need my journal the most. Even if I use my fall back of being grateful that I'm alive, it's something! There is always SOMETHING to be grateful for."
I love this friend with my whole heart and wish that life would settle down and give her a break. I'm grateful that I have some experience that I can lend to her, and I honestly pray that she at least tries to find positive things throughout the upcoming days and weeks.
So, once again, I'm grateful for having started this journal, and starting to change my perspective on life.
Good night.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
March 18, 2010
Today was an absolutely wonderful day! I'm so grateful for everything that happened. I got to take Ellie to a kid-friendly play, and laughed as much as she did! It was so well done. There is a huge playground near by the theater, and I learned I'm much to paranoid a mother to take Ellie there again. I cannot count the number of times I lost her! I'm grateful that I'm concerned enough to care that I didn't know where she was... After that was nap time and she didn't put up a fight at all. We took our nap, woke up at a decent time, had a good walk with the pups, and then she started to help me clean. Her favorite person, Miss Lydia (with Chuck and Arthur) were coming over for dinner so she wanted the help me clean! She can be so sweet some times. After dinner, the "grown-ups" settled our plans for our trip to Port Aransas for the Texas Sandfest. We've decided to camp out instead of getting a hotel, and I'm really excited about it. Well, I'm excited about the whole trip. I know I'm going to need to make a strong effort to get Ellie's naps in during that weekend, otherwise the night are probably going to be a little rough. I really can't complain about today, and that's another thing I'm grateful for. Today was just a good day!
"It's so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to." ~Annie Gottlier
Good night.
"It's so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to." ~Annie Gottlier
Good night.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
March 17, 2010
Happy St. Patrick's Day! Today was such a fun filled day. Ellie got to play at a St. Patrick's day party and it completely wiped her out! She slept for almost 4 hours today, and then didn't fight (hard) when I put her into bed tonight. I would talk more about the day, but I've still got some minor chores to do around the house, and I'm exhausted. So for now, I'm actually grateful that I should be able to fall asleep (hopefully) without having my imagination run wild!
Good night.
Good night.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
March 16, 2010
Today was a nice day. I had an enjoyable workout at the gym and everywhere I turned, people were telling me what I beautiful little girl I had. Whose heart doesn't feel proud when they hear things like that?! Ellie has been testing her limits and pushing her individuality pretty hard the past couple of days. I know I've been getting a little more lax in certain decisions and she's showing me! I've said before that she is the best teacher I could ever ask for. Being a mother isn't something that gets any easier. It isn't something that just clicks. It seems to be constantly evolving and developing. As my child grows, I need to change my own behaviors and rules to match and/or counter certain personality traits. Motherhood needs to be taken one day at a time and even as I say this, I know this is going to be something I'm going to have to work on constantly. I need to keep telling myself that I'm not perfect and that all the little challenges put in front of me are just obstacles to move around. I am grateful to be able to know that I have to be honest with myself, and even that is a work in progress.
"Practice doesn't lead to perfection, it leads to permanence."
Good night.
"Practice doesn't lead to perfection, it leads to permanence."
Good night.
Monday, March 15, 2010
March 15, 2010
Daylight savings time has really put a number on our schedule! Things just come and go so quickly and nap time seems so late now. But, it does feel like I have more time to sit down and just be with Ellie, which is always nice. I made a commitment to myself today to pick myself up off the mopey train and get my things in order. Tom has been gone for a month now and I gave myself a month to adjust. Now is that time. I know I can do this. God has given me the strength I need to move forward and my family and friends are the support I turn to when I need a release. I am re-evaluating what is going to work best for our family in these circumstances and move from there. I'm contemplating putting Ellie in a mother-day-out program which will give me one day of day care (essentially) so that I can just re-cooperate.
The thing I'm really and truly grateful for today was that Ellie and Lily played so nicely today! I took them to McDonald's while Jess spruced up the house getting ready for a party, and they just had a great time! It was so nice to see. Plus, there was an older boy in there, probably about 10, who let Ellie follow him around and played with her. She loves being with older kids so it was nice that he didn't just ignore her. Kids really can be sweet to one another when they think no one is watching!
"All great changes are preceded by chaos."
~ Deepak Chopra
Good night.
The thing I'm really and truly grateful for today was that Ellie and Lily played so nicely today! I took them to McDonald's while Jess spruced up the house getting ready for a party, and they just had a great time! It was so nice to see. Plus, there was an older boy in there, probably about 10, who let Ellie follow him around and played with her. She loves being with older kids so it was nice that he didn't just ignore her. Kids really can be sweet to one another when they think no one is watching!
"All great changes are preceded by chaos."
~ Deepak Chopra
Good night.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
March 14, 2010
I haven't written the past couple of night for a couple of reason. Neither of the reasons had to do with NOT finding something to be grateful for. That has becoming easier and easier to find. On March 12th, I was out celebrating my birthday! We didn't get back until late and at that point all I wanted to do was crash! On March 13th, I was dealing with all of my celebrating. I was pretty sick yesterday, but I am feeling much better today! All in all, I'm very grateful for my health. I know the past week has been a rough one on my gastro-track, in some form or another, but I knew it wasn't anything detrimental. I took it as a sign to lay off the heavy foods, find some time to just relax, and everything will fix itself. A week and a half later, I'm feeling much better. Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm even more grateful that Ellie hasn't been dealing with all this mess. She's not that bad when she's not feeling well, but she does tend to get VERY clingy. That's more or less my cue that she's not feeling well. I am also grateful for my Mom. She's been listening to me vent out the same frustrations almost on a daily basis now. I know she's tired of hearing it, but she keeps picking up the phone, ready to listen. I can't say whether or not she feel unappreciated, but as far as I'm concerned, she's one of the highest standing women in my book! Why else would I go to her for EVERYTHING! She is my shoulder the cry on, my ears to listen, the support I need to help me stand when I feel like I can't get up. She is my everything and without her I wouldn't be who I am today. My mother is someone I will ALWAYS be grateful for. I love you, Mom. (Ha, now you're in blogger history!)
"[A] mother is one to whom you hurry when you are troubled." ~Emily Dickinson
Good night.
"[A] mother is one to whom you hurry when you are troubled." ~Emily Dickinson
Good night.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
March 11. 2010
I've noticed recently that I have put a lot of effort into what I've been journaling. I'm not really sure why that is though. I know part of it is that I'm just getting it done. But I also feel that its coming to me easier. I don't think I have to think nearly as hard as I did at the beginning of this journey to find things I'm for which I'm grateful. Even with everything that has happened to my family circumstances, I can still turn the day to end positively. I didn't think I'd ever be that person. My overall balance is finding its way, and it's making me feel... relieved. I don't feel all the pressure I felt a mere three and a half months ago. I don't feel all that anger and negativity. Making a point to find at least one positive thing that occured to me on any given day as put innumerable things into perspective. This is by no means to say that I don't have any negative thoughts (more like frustrated thoughts) or that my life is cruising down easy lane, but I am much more accepting of the things that are happening to and around me.
I've thought about taking a night's journal entry, and just venting. Getting out all of my frustrations. I was thinking that maybe getting it all out would help me face it and learn to accept it. Other than that, it seems more like I just need to whine. Every time I go to write something down that was bothering me for the day, I turn it around, or delete it entirely. I put a positive thought in its place. Dwelling on what bothering me is and what I can't have, just builds the negative thoughts. I'm realizing nothing is worth sitting around and being mopey. There are so many glorious things that happen in any single day, it feels like wasted energy not to focus on those things!
So tonight, I'm grateful to have come this far on my journey.
“The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.”
-- Don Williams, Jr.
Good night.
I've thought about taking a night's journal entry, and just venting. Getting out all of my frustrations. I was thinking that maybe getting it all out would help me face it and learn to accept it. Other than that, it seems more like I just need to whine. Every time I go to write something down that was bothering me for the day, I turn it around, or delete it entirely. I put a positive thought in its place. Dwelling on what bothering me is and what I can't have, just builds the negative thoughts. I'm realizing nothing is worth sitting around and being mopey. There are so many glorious things that happen in any single day, it feels like wasted energy not to focus on those things!
So tonight, I'm grateful to have come this far on my journey.
“The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.”
-- Don Williams, Jr.
Good night.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
March 10, 2010
Today was an absolutely beautiful day, and it even drizzled this morning. Nothing heavy. I let Ellie play in the rain and she loved it. She kept calling it "silly rain." You don't get too many days that feel as glorious as today was, so my gratitude goes toward God for blessing us with his creative skills in creating a wonderful day. The way I'm feeling right now is that sometimes you find the most pleasure out of the simplest things.
"Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces us up, snow is exhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather." ~John Ruskin
Good night.
"Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces us up, snow is exhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather." ~John Ruskin
Good night.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
March 9, 2010
Happy Birthday Austin! It's his 4th birthday. I can't believe how quickly time flies!
On to the grateful moments. So, I completely lost track of what was actually going on today. I knew I wanted to make brownies for Tom, and even go so far as mixing the batter and putting them in the oven. And then, yea. I left the house to go to the store, completely forgetting the brownies in the oven! Here's what I'm grateful for... How "scatter-brained" I am. I was walking past something, thought Tom might like it, which made me think of the brownies, and ding! Oh. My. God! I was lucky enough that there was no damage, except for my brownie hockey pucks (they were the new mini brownie things) and a super stinky house. But I am so grateful that this is all that happened. It could've ended up so much worse, I don't even want to think about it. God put those thoughts of Tom in my head and got me on the right track to remembering my brownies...
After that I was able to take it easy, which is another thing I'm grateful for. Its much easier on both Ellie and me when we've got enough down time to enjoy each other's company. Nothing rushed. Nothing planned. Just so good ole mommy-daughter time.
So for now, I am think it's time to hit the hay.
Good night.
On to the grateful moments. So, I completely lost track of what was actually going on today. I knew I wanted to make brownies for Tom, and even go so far as mixing the batter and putting them in the oven. And then, yea. I left the house to go to the store, completely forgetting the brownies in the oven! Here's what I'm grateful for... How "scatter-brained" I am. I was walking past something, thought Tom might like it, which made me think of the brownies, and ding! Oh. My. God! I was lucky enough that there was no damage, except for my brownie hockey pucks (they were the new mini brownie things) and a super stinky house. But I am so grateful that this is all that happened. It could've ended up so much worse, I don't even want to think about it. God put those thoughts of Tom in my head and got me on the right track to remembering my brownies...
After that I was able to take it easy, which is another thing I'm grateful for. Its much easier on both Ellie and me when we've got enough down time to enjoy each other's company. Nothing rushed. Nothing planned. Just so good ole mommy-daughter time.
So for now, I am think it's time to hit the hay.
Good night.
Monday, March 8, 2010
March 8, 2010
Today was yet another long day. I'm realizing the importance of creating a routine, not just for my little munchkin, but for me as well. I think things are just a little too out of hand.
I know that I'm grateful for the great company I had today though. This morning I got to play stylist again and a friend let me highlight and trim her hair while our kiddos played in the living room. Some moments were a little hectic, but overall it was a very enjoyable experience. I'm grateful that she gave me the opportunity to stay current with my "craft."
Another great companion I had today was ready to go to a spur of the moment dinner date. I got my first Pampered Chef commission check today so I wanted to celebrate. I asked her last minute if she would come along with Ellie and me since I knew she would be heading out on a half-cross country drive in the morning. The conversation was great and we had an enjoyable dinner together with the munchkin.
Here's another thing I'm grateful for. TOM CREATED A FACEBOOK ACCOUNT! It will be nice to post little love messages and pictures/videos up for him. I miss him horribly, but I know he's safe and that's all that matters.
As for yesterday, I was recognized within my Pampered Chef cluster for doing a great job with the new consultant training as well as already submitting my first two shows. I was also pleasantly surprised by the Beely's, yet again, with a birthday cake and 27 candles (one to grow on). They're so awesome.
My friends down here have made my life so much more enjoyable! I am truly grateful for all of them, and when we part, its going to be a sad day, full of wonderful memories.
Good night.
I know that I'm grateful for the great company I had today though. This morning I got to play stylist again and a friend let me highlight and trim her hair while our kiddos played in the living room. Some moments were a little hectic, but overall it was a very enjoyable experience. I'm grateful that she gave me the opportunity to stay current with my "craft."
Another great companion I had today was ready to go to a spur of the moment dinner date. I got my first Pampered Chef commission check today so I wanted to celebrate. I asked her last minute if she would come along with Ellie and me since I knew she would be heading out on a half-cross country drive in the morning. The conversation was great and we had an enjoyable dinner together with the munchkin.
Here's another thing I'm grateful for. TOM CREATED A FACEBOOK ACCOUNT! It will be nice to post little love messages and pictures/videos up for him. I miss him horribly, but I know he's safe and that's all that matters.
As for yesterday, I was recognized within my Pampered Chef cluster for doing a great job with the new consultant training as well as already submitting my first two shows. I was also pleasantly surprised by the Beely's, yet again, with a birthday cake and 27 candles (one to grow on). They're so awesome.
My friends down here have made my life so much more enjoyable! I am truly grateful for all of them, and when we part, its going to be a sad day, full of wonderful memories.
Good night.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
March 7, 2010
Happy Birthday to me! After a long and very eventful day, all I can is how grateful I am that it's over! I'm so ready for bed, that I will write about all the great things I'm grateful for today... tomorrow!
Good night.
Good night.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
March 6, 2010
Busy, busy, busy day! And lots to be grateful for as well. My car died on me today when I was about to leave the grocery store. Now, of course that's not what I'm grateful for. Not one, but TWO of my friends came to my aid! Jess came by and picked up Ellie for me so I the task at hand wouldn't seem so daunting and frustrating. Chuck was there to help me move the car, get it jumped and make sure I was good to go. And all this before 9:30 in the morning! There was also some random guy that had a Cowboys teddy bear that Ellie eyed, and because she's so friggin' adorable, he gave it to her! Just like that! Great friends, let me tell you.
Today was also the day of my first cooking show with Pampered Chef. I was hectically getting ready when the first of my three guests arrived. Pat was standing in my doorway with a birthday cake because she knew I wasn't planning on doing anything tomorrow. She also helped me get the rest of the apartment in order for the other guests. She is such a wonderful person, I love her to death! Jess and Jenn also showed up and between the three of the I was able to get my "show" as well as some valuable experience. Not to mention the food (especially the salsa) was super yummy!
Another thing was that Holly was so kind as to watch the pups while I had my cooking show! It made things so calm in the house. And when I went to get my mail this evening, I had a letter waiting for me from a grade school friend wishing me a Happy Birthday!
There were so many things to put smiles on my face today. Today was a very good day and I'm grateful for everything that happened!
Good night.
Today was also the day of my first cooking show with Pampered Chef. I was hectically getting ready when the first of my three guests arrived. Pat was standing in my doorway with a birthday cake because she knew I wasn't planning on doing anything tomorrow. She also helped me get the rest of the apartment in order for the other guests. She is such a wonderful person, I love her to death! Jess and Jenn also showed up and between the three of the I was able to get my "show" as well as some valuable experience. Not to mention the food (especially the salsa) was super yummy!
Another thing was that Holly was so kind as to watch the pups while I had my cooking show! It made things so calm in the house. And when I went to get my mail this evening, I had a letter waiting for me from a grade school friend wishing me a Happy Birthday!
There were so many things to put smiles on my face today. Today was a very good day and I'm grateful for everything that happened!
Good night.
Friday, March 5, 2010
March 5, 2010
This evening I'm grateful for the Beely family, yet again! They always seem to come when I need them, and I love them for it. It really is going to be hard parting with them in July. But who knows, maybe Tom will actually get stationed in Hawaii and Ellie and I will already have friends! I am also grateful for Tom being able to call me this evening. It is really nice hearing his voice every now and then, but especially tonight. I've got a big party planned tomorrow, and have been feeling pretty frazzled all day. Hearing his voice definitely helped to calm me down. I don't know how it happened, but my living areas are finally clean, and I'm super grateful for that. I kept putting it off and putting it off, and I know it was affecting my mood. I just didn't have the energy to deal with something like that, on top of all the other emotions I was and still am feeling. I'm also grateful to have reacquainted with a dear friend. I've missed him horribly, and its so nice to be able to have Yahoo Instant messenger and web cams so that I can see him and his little girl! For now, that will be it. I have a book I would like to finish and its already 10:30 pm.
"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it." ~William Arthur Ward
Good night.
"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it." ~William Arthur Ward
Good night.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
March 4, 2010
I can say I am exhausted right now! There was just a lot going on today. But, I know, very easily, what I'm grateful for this evening. Friends. I know I've said before how lucky I am to have the friends I have, but its needs to be said again. I may only have a few friends who I would call confidants, but as a whole, I enjoy the time I spend with all my friends, new and old. Each one brings something different to the table, and that keeps the spices of life flowing. It seems that I learn something new about my friends every day, and its thrilling. I'll admit, sometimes a bit overwhelming, but I enjoy making friends and socializing. I have a gregarious personality, and knowing that I have an outlet for that helps to keep my sanity. I believe that if I felt that I couldn't go out and meet new people, I would never make it. Sometimes, you just need to hear some new stories.
I wish I could write more, but I really am falling asleep at the keyboard. Tomorrow is another busy day, being that its the day before my kickoff show, so I will be starting early with the final cleaning and prepping for the party. The journal might get bypassed, so at least I know I've put my mind in the right place, and I can sleep peacefully tonight. Thank you to all of my friends.
The only quote I'm thinking about right now is actually from a song I learned when I was very, very young:
"Make new friends, but keep the old ones. Some are silver and the others are gold."
Good night.
I wish I could write more, but I really am falling asleep at the keyboard. Tomorrow is another busy day, being that its the day before my kickoff show, so I will be starting early with the final cleaning and prepping for the party. The journal might get bypassed, so at least I know I've put my mind in the right place, and I can sleep peacefully tonight. Thank you to all of my friends.
The only quote I'm thinking about right now is actually from a song I learned when I was very, very young:
"Make new friends, but keep the old ones. Some are silver and the others are gold."
Good night.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
March 3, 2010
Tonight I am grateful for the organization, Parents as Teachers. Its a group on post that helps you utilize your own assets so you can be an efficient "teacher" for your child. We all know how much our children pick up from us, so why not make some of it educational, right? Anyway, this group put together a deployment seminar and I picked up some very valuable tips.
I have been having issues with Ellie pooping in her panties since Daddy left. I got some really good tips on how to handle that, and I'll definitely put it in the journal whether the ideas work or not. I also got some pointers on how to deal with her on a daily basis, how to keep Tom and her as well as Tom and me connected throughout the deployment. There was even a moment of pure clarity for me when I started crying.
I've realized the sacrifice Tom is making now more than ever. I started crying because even though I toy with the idea of re-enlisting, I know I never could, no matter how much I miss the military. I cannot stand the idea of leaving Ellie for any length of time. Just the idea of leaving her and coming home to, essentially, a new child scares me to death. I don't want to miss a second of her life. Tom doesn't have a choice. He is fighting for our country, and in doing so, is missing out on his daughter's and his wife's lives. I didn't realize the hardship until it was put into words by a single mother service member.
Parents as Teachers is a wonderful organization and I could not be any happier with a group that helps me develop my daughter into an intelligent and bright child. Their seminar helped put things into perspective, and the bigger picture is always more important than the small details.
"What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world." ~Robert E. Lee, letter to his wife, 1864
Good night.
I have been having issues with Ellie pooping in her panties since Daddy left. I got some really good tips on how to handle that, and I'll definitely put it in the journal whether the ideas work or not. I also got some pointers on how to deal with her on a daily basis, how to keep Tom and her as well as Tom and me connected throughout the deployment. There was even a moment of pure clarity for me when I started crying.
I've realized the sacrifice Tom is making now more than ever. I started crying because even though I toy with the idea of re-enlisting, I know I never could, no matter how much I miss the military. I cannot stand the idea of leaving Ellie for any length of time. Just the idea of leaving her and coming home to, essentially, a new child scares me to death. I don't want to miss a second of her life. Tom doesn't have a choice. He is fighting for our country, and in doing so, is missing out on his daughter's and his wife's lives. I didn't realize the hardship until it was put into words by a single mother service member.
Parents as Teachers is a wonderful organization and I could not be any happier with a group that helps me develop my daughter into an intelligent and bright child. Their seminar helped put things into perspective, and the bigger picture is always more important than the small details.
"What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world." ~Robert E. Lee, letter to his wife, 1864
Good night.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
March 2, 2010
God has given me the oppotunity to practice patience today. Or, at least, that's the way I'm going to put a positive spin on the way some things happened today. While I was going through the "episodes," it was very aggravating, but towards the end of the day, I just realized that every outcome is affected by my reactions. The less I let something get to me, regardless of how annoying and aggravating it seemed at the time, the better off, and quicker it seemed, the solution became apparent. Take for instance, Ellie. Even though she is my devil in angels clothing, I love her. As I'm righting this, she's crying her little eyes out because she doesn't want to go to bed. I'm actually quite surprised I haven't gone in there yet. I know part of the reason for all the fuss is because she's exhausted! She didn't take a very long nap and then we had company over for dinner, which lasted until AFTER her normal bed time. I know she's fighting this, and if after I'm done writing this, she's still crying, I will go comfort her. I really think she just needs to let out some stress and cry. I don't think that makes me sound like a horrible mother either. I know when she needs me. But, if I would let this try my patience to its limit, I would already be frustrated and I wouldn't really be able to handle the situation properly. I know how much work I need to improve my patience, and God is giving me these opportunities time and time again. I'm learning, and I'm grateful for that.
Good night. Now to check on my crying child...
Good night. Now to check on my crying child...
Monday, March 1, 2010
March 1, 2010
Today went much more smoothly. I'm so grateful I realized before it was too late that I needed to slow down. I think it's good to be busy, but within reason. I was just putting more and more on my plate, and it started to overflow. Ellie was MUCH better today too. And I honestly think it had to do with how much Mommy-time she was getting. I am starting to understand that she can't verbalize everything she's feeling in reference to Tom being gone, so I need to make up for that. She is such an easy going kid, I just didn't think his deployment would effect her the way it has. Like I said in the beginning though, I'm grateful I noticed it sooner rather than later. God placed his hands on my shoulders and led me to see that there was just too much. He heard my prayers and is answering them in His own ways.
"You owe it to everyone you love (including yourself) to find pockets of tranquility in your busy world.”
Good night.
"You owe it to everyone you love (including yourself) to find pockets of tranquility in your busy world.”
Good night.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
February 28, 2010
Today was a really long day, but in a good way. There were so many positive things happening today, that it's going to take me a little bit to figure out what I really want to talk about. I need to make up for lost entries, so maybe I can spend some time talking about everything I've thinking about, but haven't written about.
Firstly, I know how grateful I am for my faith. My lenten promise was to spend some time every day for devotion to Him, and I haven't been able to keep my promise. He knows my intentions are well, He also knows how tired I am. I am constantly thinking about Him and what He would want me to do, what type of person I should be, so in that respect, I do have devotional time to Him. Just nothing official. Just my prayers and thoughts. I've accepted Him into my life, and I'm all the better for it.
I am also grateful for my daughter's ability to drive me crazy! I know that sounds absurd, but think about it. If she were always saying super cute things, they wouldn't seem as super cute, right? So with every evil there is a good, and I've found that in my daughter. (Although evil is a very harsh word, the point is made!) Her innocence and warm personality can bring me out of my darkest moods, and I'm so grateful that God blessed me with such an amazing child, and teacher.
Another thing that I want to point out is GOOGLE! I love Google. If it weren't for google, I would very rarely have any real time communication with Tom. The makers of Google are some really smart people and they have made one military spouse extremely happy. I'm able to send pictures, receive emails, chat, have video chats and what seems to be so much more. They have made my electronic and internet-base life so much easier that I would be rude of me to never include them in the numerous things I've found for which to be grateful.
The is the end of the second month of this journal, and I still believe that it was one of my better decisions to start this. Although my perspective and attitude is not positive 100% of the time, reflecting on the day helps me put my life in order. The past few weeks have been nonstop, and I haven't really had any time to reflect on my life and the things happening in and around it, leaving me restless. There have been numerous changes in my outlook that I feel like I'm turning into a better person. I don't feel as if my anger is encompassing me. I'm still easily frustrated, but when I'm doing all this reflection, and look back on the negatives as well as the positives. They say hindsight is 20/20, and let me say, I've got perfect vision! I'm learning from my mistakes. I might make them a few times, but I'm learning. And isn't that what life is? Just one lesson. One experience. One chance to be the best person you can be.
Positive thinking and negative thinking are attitudes. They are points of view, and show the way people handle their affairs.
-- from : http://www.successconsciousness.com/index_000033.htm
Good night.
Firstly, I know how grateful I am for my faith. My lenten promise was to spend some time every day for devotion to Him, and I haven't been able to keep my promise. He knows my intentions are well, He also knows how tired I am. I am constantly thinking about Him and what He would want me to do, what type of person I should be, so in that respect, I do have devotional time to Him. Just nothing official. Just my prayers and thoughts. I've accepted Him into my life, and I'm all the better for it.
I am also grateful for my daughter's ability to drive me crazy! I know that sounds absurd, but think about it. If she were always saying super cute things, they wouldn't seem as super cute, right? So with every evil there is a good, and I've found that in my daughter. (Although evil is a very harsh word, the point is made!) Her innocence and warm personality can bring me out of my darkest moods, and I'm so grateful that God blessed me with such an amazing child, and teacher.
Another thing that I want to point out is GOOGLE! I love Google. If it weren't for google, I would very rarely have any real time communication with Tom. The makers of Google are some really smart people and they have made one military spouse extremely happy. I'm able to send pictures, receive emails, chat, have video chats and what seems to be so much more. They have made my electronic and internet-base life so much easier that I would be rude of me to never include them in the numerous things I've found for which to be grateful.
The is the end of the second month of this journal, and I still believe that it was one of my better decisions to start this. Although my perspective and attitude is not positive 100% of the time, reflecting on the day helps me put my life in order. The past few weeks have been nonstop, and I haven't really had any time to reflect on my life and the things happening in and around it, leaving me restless. There have been numerous changes in my outlook that I feel like I'm turning into a better person. I don't feel as if my anger is encompassing me. I'm still easily frustrated, but when I'm doing all this reflection, and look back on the negatives as well as the positives. They say hindsight is 20/20, and let me say, I've got perfect vision! I'm learning from my mistakes. I might make them a few times, but I'm learning. And isn't that what life is? Just one lesson. One experience. One chance to be the best person you can be.
Positive thinking and negative thinking are attitudes. They are points of view, and show the way people handle their affairs.
-- from : http://www.successconsciousness.com/index_000033.htm
Good night.
February 27, 2010
Another entry the following morning...
This is going to be very quick. I'll make up for it with tonight's entry!
I am very grateful that my friends in Hawaii are safe from the oncoming tsunami, and that the earthquake that hit Afghanistan this morning didn't cause any damage to my husband's unit, or the local area. I'm also grateful that I had a very busy day, although I'm more grateful that God has given me the wisdom to know when I'm getting burnt out, and I'm there. I'm taking next month a little more leisurely!
I'm also very very grateful for friends like the Beely's. The kids are awesome. The hubby is a remarkable man, and the Momma is very quickly becoming an esteemed confidant. It'll be a sad day for me when they have to PCS later this year.
Good night (morning)!
This is going to be very quick. I'll make up for it with tonight's entry!
I am very grateful that my friends in Hawaii are safe from the oncoming tsunami, and that the earthquake that hit Afghanistan this morning didn't cause any damage to my husband's unit, or the local area. I'm also grateful that I had a very busy day, although I'm more grateful that God has given me the wisdom to know when I'm getting burnt out, and I'm there. I'm taking next month a little more leisurely!
I'm also very very grateful for friends like the Beely's. The kids are awesome. The hubby is a remarkable man, and the Momma is very quickly becoming an esteemed confidant. It'll be a sad day for me when they have to PCS later this year.
Good night (morning)!
Friday, February 26, 2010
February 26, 2010
Firstly, I'd like to mention that I think the San Antonio allergies have finally made their way into my respiratory system. Secondly, I'd like to say I got to TALK to Tom tonight.
I had day two of my financial seminar today. Not only did I get another day of free food, but I left feeling as though I can control the financial situation of my future, AND I got to leave right after lunch. I was able to get my grocery shopping done sans baby, and that was major in and of itself. After that, I took them home, started to put them away, and got a phone call from my Pampered Chef consultant telling me how great my two web shows were doing. I picked Ellie up after that and we went out to dinner with Chuck, Lydia and Arthur. Of course the kids had a great time at the play place and we were all able to eat in peace.
The thing I'm grateful for though is simply being able to hear Tom's voice. And not the way you may be thinking. Yes, I did get to hear his voice over the phone, but what I'm talking about is actually a recording of his voice. He took time out of his schedule and recorded five of Ellie's favorite stories, so that on special occassions, Daddy could "read" to her. Little did he know, I love listening to those stories now. I close my eyes, and just listen to the cadence of his voice. Its so relaxing. I am very grateful that, even though he didn't really want to do it, he recorded those stories. I'm intending to put the stories on a CD that we can put in the car so she can listen to him in there as well, but I haven't made it that far.
Another thing I'm grateful is something very simple. During the seminar today, someone asked the group a question, and it has really put money into perspective. Here's the question, and hopefully it will impact at least one other person who might read this. "What would you do if you won tons and tons of money but knew you only had 45 years left to live? Now, what would you do if you won that same money, but found out you only had 5-10 years to live? Now, what if you found out you won that money, and the doc says you have 24 hours to live? What would you do? What is that money worth to you?"
Good night.
I had day two of my financial seminar today. Not only did I get another day of free food, but I left feeling as though I can control the financial situation of my future, AND I got to leave right after lunch. I was able to get my grocery shopping done sans baby, and that was major in and of itself. After that, I took them home, started to put them away, and got a phone call from my Pampered Chef consultant telling me how great my two web shows were doing. I picked Ellie up after that and we went out to dinner with Chuck, Lydia and Arthur. Of course the kids had a great time at the play place and we were all able to eat in peace.
The thing I'm grateful for though is simply being able to hear Tom's voice. And not the way you may be thinking. Yes, I did get to hear his voice over the phone, but what I'm talking about is actually a recording of his voice. He took time out of his schedule and recorded five of Ellie's favorite stories, so that on special occassions, Daddy could "read" to her. Little did he know, I love listening to those stories now. I close my eyes, and just listen to the cadence of his voice. Its so relaxing. I am very grateful that, even though he didn't really want to do it, he recorded those stories. I'm intending to put the stories on a CD that we can put in the car so she can listen to him in there as well, but I haven't made it that far.
Another thing I'm grateful is something very simple. During the seminar today, someone asked the group a question, and it has really put money into perspective. Here's the question, and hopefully it will impact at least one other person who might read this. "What would you do if you won tons and tons of money but knew you only had 45 years left to live? Now, what would you do if you won that same money, but found out you only had 5-10 years to live? Now, what if you found out you won that money, and the doc says you have 24 hours to live? What would you do? What is that money worth to you?"
Good night.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
February 25, 2010
Well, I missed the last couple of days and I have no idea how that happened. Oh, now I remember. Tuesday night I didn't get home until 10pm, and after getting Ellie to bed I was wiped. Wednesday (last) night I was preparing everything I needed for the financial workshop I attended today because I knew it was going to be a really early day for me. Tonight, I knew I had to get my entry in before I started working on my Pampered Chef business or do any of the other little things that I do before bed.
I feel as though my life has started to maintain a balance. I feel that I'm lacking in my spiritual practices, but not in my faith. I am grateful that God has given me the opportunity to develop my personality, once again. People evolve and change and adapt as needed. I find it hard to believe that the person you are now will be the same person you will be in 20 and 40 years from now. Take my mother for instance. Now, granted the examples are from my childhood so they may be a little skewed. I tend to remember her always wanting to rest. I didn't understand what was stress was as a child, but looking back on it, I can tell that the emotions were reactions to stress and having three young children. Now, if you see her with any of the grand babies, its as if the stress is wiped clean. At least until the kids start destroying the house and incessantly disobeying. And I think that applies to all parents turned grandparents. The way they treat children is different. They have adapted to their new roles. I'm grateful that I've accepted my role as a stay at home mother, and am starting to enjoy all the time I can spend with Ellie. Even if it just while we're sitting together watching Dora or Diego.
Another thing that I've become grateful for is how easy it to come back from my temper meltdowns. I've never been the type of person to hold it in. And once it was out, I was normally in a bad mood for a while, days, weeks afterwards. Now, I've learned that Ellie has started to develop my temper and is getting frustrated easily with things. I have started to teach myself that it's okay to lose my temper, but I need to do it in private and be able to recoup quickly afterwards. For example, last night Ellie had to go potty. She didn't sit back far enough on the toilet and ended up peeing on the floor. I lost my temper (not so much at her... I didn't reprimand her), but I did let out an angry growl, if you will. It was loud and it scared Ellie. I immediately took a breath and calmed myself down. I held Ellie and told her that it wasn't her fault. That I was sorry I lost my temper. Her response: "It's okay Mommy. You want me to find it?" =) I love that little girl. Her innocence will brighten my day on my worst and darkest days.
Those are just a couple of things I thought I'd mention. There is actually more I'd like to write about, but I can feel a headache creeping on and want to sleep before it gets the better of me.
Good night.
I feel as though my life has started to maintain a balance. I feel that I'm lacking in my spiritual practices, but not in my faith. I am grateful that God has given me the opportunity to develop my personality, once again. People evolve and change and adapt as needed. I find it hard to believe that the person you are now will be the same person you will be in 20 and 40 years from now. Take my mother for instance. Now, granted the examples are from my childhood so they may be a little skewed. I tend to remember her always wanting to rest. I didn't understand what was stress was as a child, but looking back on it, I can tell that the emotions were reactions to stress and having three young children. Now, if you see her with any of the grand babies, its as if the stress is wiped clean. At least until the kids start destroying the house and incessantly disobeying. And I think that applies to all parents turned grandparents. The way they treat children is different. They have adapted to their new roles. I'm grateful that I've accepted my role as a stay at home mother, and am starting to enjoy all the time I can spend with Ellie. Even if it just while we're sitting together watching Dora or Diego.
Another thing that I've become grateful for is how easy it to come back from my temper meltdowns. I've never been the type of person to hold it in. And once it was out, I was normally in a bad mood for a while, days, weeks afterwards. Now, I've learned that Ellie has started to develop my temper and is getting frustrated easily with things. I have started to teach myself that it's okay to lose my temper, but I need to do it in private and be able to recoup quickly afterwards. For example, last night Ellie had to go potty. She didn't sit back far enough on the toilet and ended up peeing on the floor. I lost my temper (not so much at her... I didn't reprimand her), but I did let out an angry growl, if you will. It was loud and it scared Ellie. I immediately took a breath and calmed myself down. I held Ellie and told her that it wasn't her fault. That I was sorry I lost my temper. Her response: "It's okay Mommy. You want me to find it?" =) I love that little girl. Her innocence will brighten my day on my worst and darkest days.
Those are just a couple of things I thought I'd mention. There is actually more I'd like to write about, but I can feel a headache creeping on and want to sleep before it gets the better of me.
Good night.
Monday, February 22, 2010
February 22, 2010
There are some days where I feel like I'm on top of the world. Other days, not so much. Today, I think I'm just watching the world turn. I've had a rather empowered feeling all day, and I'm not sure where it came from. Maybe it was from knowing that more people are interested in both of my home businesses. Maybe it was from accepting that Ellie will act her age. Maybe it was from mental rehersing. Who knows? I'm grateful for this feeling. I don't feel as though I need to go out and be in the middle of anything, yet I don't feel the need to sit back and let life happen. Proactive, yet relaxed. This is a good feeling. Maybe I'm starting to find my balance.
I just filled in my google calendar and realize that I really do enjoy staying busy. It helps me feel as though I'm not a stagnat house wife. I sat down this morning and really thought about all that I do around the house, and man, you couldn't pay me for this job! I think I'm going to come out of this deployment stronger and believe it or not, much more appreciative of the things Tom did help with around the house.
Anyway, I'm grateful that I have finally felt what a balanced day feels like.
"Work, love and play are the great balance wheels of man's being”
--Orison Swett Marden
Good night.
I just filled in my google calendar and realize that I really do enjoy staying busy. It helps me feel as though I'm not a stagnat house wife. I sat down this morning and really thought about all that I do around the house, and man, you couldn't pay me for this job! I think I'm going to come out of this deployment stronger and believe it or not, much more appreciative of the things Tom did help with around the house.
Anyway, I'm grateful that I have finally felt what a balanced day feels like.
"Work, love and play are the great balance wheels of man's being”
--Orison Swett Marden
Good night.
February 21, 2010
(I am again writing on the following morning. I was too tired last night to stay up any later after taking care of my financial responsibilites.)
This morning I found out that Tom and I are not pregnant. Mind you, we didn't really want to be, so this is a good thing. We would've been happy either way, but were definitely leaning towards the "lets wait a little longer" side. I had gotten off birth control in hopes that my migranes would subside, even just a little. Unfortunately, we were tempting with the fates. I believe that God knew it would be just a little too much on my plate had I gotten pregnant. I trust His judgement before my own. I do know that we both want more, but we're waiting for a better time. There was a small, minute amount of disappointment, but it was a fleeting moment. I can stop worrying about it and get back to the things happening today!
I did have thoughts about whether or not I'm able to have more children. There has been nothing to suggest that I can't have more children, but doesn't every mother who wants more children in her life wonder that at some point or another. I pray that I'm able, but I also look at Ellie and realize that I'm already luckier than quite a number of women. Some women will never be able to bear a child of their own. So even if it's just, I'm a very happy and blessed mother.
"With what price we pay for the glory of motherhood." ~Isadora Duncan
Good night.
This morning I found out that Tom and I are not pregnant. Mind you, we didn't really want to be, so this is a good thing. We would've been happy either way, but were definitely leaning towards the "lets wait a little longer" side. I had gotten off birth control in hopes that my migranes would subside, even just a little. Unfortunately, we were tempting with the fates. I believe that God knew it would be just a little too much on my plate had I gotten pregnant. I trust His judgement before my own. I do know that we both want more, but we're waiting for a better time. There was a small, minute amount of disappointment, but it was a fleeting moment. I can stop worrying about it and get back to the things happening today!
I did have thoughts about whether or not I'm able to have more children. There has been nothing to suggest that I can't have more children, but doesn't every mother who wants more children in her life wonder that at some point or another. I pray that I'm able, but I also look at Ellie and realize that I'm already luckier than quite a number of women. Some women will never be able to bear a child of their own. So even if it's just, I'm a very happy and blessed mother.
"With what price we pay for the glory of motherhood." ~Isadora Duncan
Good night.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
February 20, 2010
So, just thought I'd point this out. It's 02-20-2010... Fun play on numbers. I'm in a pretty foul mood right now. Today had it's normal ups and downs, but my frustration levels were sky high. I think its finally starting to hit me that I'm doing everything on my own, for the next YEAR! Unfortunately, there were moments when that frustration was turned towards Ellie. At one point she was absolutely refusing to listen to anything I said, plus the machine at the self-checkout (we were grocery shopping) wasn't working right. Another time I gave her a bag of shredded cheese because she said she wanted that as her snack. I was doing dishes at the time, and when I was done, I saw that she had poured the entire bag all over my couch. Looking back on those two times makes me feel pretty lousy, because she was just being two. She wasn't really being defiant, and looking for ways to make Mommy upset. =(
What I'm in the foul mood for is not the first two instances though. It was for the last. She is having a serious set back with pooping in the potty. For three straight poops, she's gone in her panties. Its driving me crazy. Tonight, I actually think I may have scared her, between my voice and my actions. My frustration definitely got the better of me. And although I know I didn't physically hurt her, I am completely torn apart inside. Here's why.
Once I had her cleaned up, she was super happy. I told her I was mad at her, and she told me that she would make me feel better. Even though I had just scared her. It felt like she had forgiven me for my temper tantrum. My little girl is absolutely remarkable. She put me in my place. She loves me, unconditionally. I don't know what I did to be blessed with this little girl, but I can't see my life without her. I felt like a horrible mother for scaring her like that. I still do. Almost as soon as it was over, she was over it too. I'm so entirely grateful for my daughter, because whenever I feel as though I've wronged someone, or as if I'm alone, she's there to help me feel better.
I love you, Ellie.
Good night.
What I'm in the foul mood for is not the first two instances though. It was for the last. She is having a serious set back with pooping in the potty. For three straight poops, she's gone in her panties. Its driving me crazy. Tonight, I actually think I may have scared her, between my voice and my actions. My frustration definitely got the better of me. And although I know I didn't physically hurt her, I am completely torn apart inside. Here's why.
Once I had her cleaned up, she was super happy. I told her I was mad at her, and she told me that she would make me feel better. Even though I had just scared her. It felt like she had forgiven me for my temper tantrum. My little girl is absolutely remarkable. She put me in my place. She loves me, unconditionally. I don't know what I did to be blessed with this little girl, but I can't see my life without her. I felt like a horrible mother for scaring her like that. I still do. Almost as soon as it was over, she was over it too. I'm so entirely grateful for my daughter, because whenever I feel as though I've wronged someone, or as if I'm alone, she's there to help me feel better.
I love you, Ellie.
Good night.
Friday, February 19, 2010
February 19, 2010
This evening I find myself laughing at my own frustrations for the past few months. Ellie has been fighting a night time cough for going on four months now. She was also waking up in the middle of the night because of the coughing. Needless to say, we were both a little cranky in the mornings. I had taken her to the doc a few times for the cough, and was prescribed all sorts of different medications to see what would eventually work. On the last visit, the doctor told me to put a vinyl wrapping around her bed... Hmmm... okay. I didn't think that it could be so simple as dust mites, but we bought what we needed.
We put the vinyl wrapping around her bed, and another wrap around the pillow she sleeps on, just in case. It couldn't hurt, right. The doctor told us that we would probably have to wait a couple of weeks before we actually noticed if there was any improvement. At first there wasn't any change at all. But now, its a different story.
I realized that we hadn't washed her sheets since BEFORE we put the vinyl wrapping on, so I went ahead and washed EVERYTHING. I used a couple capfuls of bleach too, just in case. (Just trying to cover all my bases.) The next day, today, is when I noticed all the big changes. For the past few nights, she hasn't been coming into my bed until around 6:30 in the morning, which means she's sleeping through the night. The big thing though, she hasn't coughed at all since yesterday afternoon! I couldn't believe it. I was waiting expectantly for the coughing today, but it never happened. She's sleeping soundly and peacefully as I write this.
So tonight, the thing I'm most grateful for is the quote:
"The simpliest answer tends to be the right answer."
Good night.
We put the vinyl wrapping around her bed, and another wrap around the pillow she sleeps on, just in case. It couldn't hurt, right. The doctor told us that we would probably have to wait a couple of weeks before we actually noticed if there was any improvement. At first there wasn't any change at all. But now, its a different story.
I realized that we hadn't washed her sheets since BEFORE we put the vinyl wrapping on, so I went ahead and washed EVERYTHING. I used a couple capfuls of bleach too, just in case. (Just trying to cover all my bases.) The next day, today, is when I noticed all the big changes. For the past few nights, she hasn't been coming into my bed until around 6:30 in the morning, which means she's sleeping through the night. The big thing though, she hasn't coughed at all since yesterday afternoon! I couldn't believe it. I was waiting expectantly for the coughing today, but it never happened. She's sleeping soundly and peacefully as I write this.
So tonight, the thing I'm most grateful for is the quote:
"The simpliest answer tends to be the right answer."
Good night.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
February 18, 2010
Today I have a few things to be grateful for. A friend of my sister's son is in the hospital because of a partially collapsed lung. He's five months old. I am so eternally grateful that God blessed me with such a strong and healthy little girl. Hearing about the situation gave me goosebumps and all I could think of was, "And I'm here worried about Ellie's allergies?!" To watch your child suffer hurts you in ways another person will never understand. I am so blessed that Ellie is healthy and has such a radiant personality. She is my little ray of sunshine. My little clown.
I am also very grateful that I got to talk to Tom today. It's harder this time around, and I really do miss his voice. He just got a cell plan over there, so hopefully I will be able to hear from him at least every other day. If nothing else than to tell one another that we love and miss the other. We both have our "Love Talks" books, so I think I may suggest that we start delving into those a little bit. Start getting some ideas.
That's it for this evening. I don't have a quote because both topics are far from the other. I will end with this though. God never gives you more than you can handle.
Good night.
I am also very grateful that I got to talk to Tom today. It's harder this time around, and I really do miss his voice. He just got a cell plan over there, so hopefully I will be able to hear from him at least every other day. If nothing else than to tell one another that we love and miss the other. We both have our "Love Talks" books, so I think I may suggest that we start delving into those a little bit. Start getting some ideas.
That's it for this evening. I don't have a quote because both topics are far from the other. I will end with this though. God never gives you more than you can handle.
Good night.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
February 17, 2010
Well, the day went smoothly enough. I had a friend come over with her kids and made them lunch, just to help pass the time. I got my Pampered Chef kit and am super excited to start looking through it!
My neighbor below our apartment was actually holding on to the box for me. I had no idea he had it since there was a FedEx message on my door. I was a little disappointed I had missed them, but assumed I would just get it within the next couple of days. Around 7 o'clock, we get a knock on our door and our neighbor brought us up our box. And this isn't a light weight box! I was so surprised, and grateful. It made my night! It was such a simple and curteous act and it made me smile for quite a while after that. I haven't really ventured out to meet my neighbors in the whole year I've been living here, but now I'm wishing I had. I am very grateful to know that I do have caring neighbors, just a floor below us.
"On this shrunken globe, men can no longer live as strangers." ~Adlai E. Stevenson
Good night.
My neighbor below our apartment was actually holding on to the box for me. I had no idea he had it since there was a FedEx message on my door. I was a little disappointed I had missed them, but assumed I would just get it within the next couple of days. Around 7 o'clock, we get a knock on our door and our neighbor brought us up our box. And this isn't a light weight box! I was so surprised, and grateful. It made my night! It was such a simple and curteous act and it made me smile for quite a while after that. I haven't really ventured out to meet my neighbors in the whole year I've been living here, but now I'm wishing I had. I am very grateful to know that I do have caring neighbors, just a floor below us.
"On this shrunken globe, men can no longer live as strangers." ~Adlai E. Stevenson
Good night.
February 16, 2010
Okay, so right now, it's 8 o'clock in the morning on the 17th. I had a horrible headache last night and went straight to bed after I got Ellie down and I knew she was asleep. I slept soundly until 6:30 or so when Ellie came into the bed.
I did have something to be grateful for yesterday. I've been dreading having to have dinner at my house. I'm not ready to cook for just Ellie and me. I've been lucky because my friends have been helping me out with that. I went over to the Beely's home and did some family hair cutting, and had an amazing dinner (Pork Wellington, steamed asparagus with a hollandaise sauce, and salad). Its really nice to be able to have that type of social cirlce that I can be kept busy doing a mulititude of tasks.
I'm grateful that I have these friends and have so many people around me willing to help me through our hardship. I'm trying to make the best out of this situation, and with my friends around me, it definitely helps.
“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”
--Dale Carnegie
Good night (morning).
I did have something to be grateful for yesterday. I've been dreading having to have dinner at my house. I'm not ready to cook for just Ellie and me. I've been lucky because my friends have been helping me out with that. I went over to the Beely's home and did some family hair cutting, and had an amazing dinner (Pork Wellington, steamed asparagus with a hollandaise sauce, and salad). Its really nice to be able to have that type of social cirlce that I can be kept busy doing a mulititude of tasks.
I'm grateful that I have these friends and have so many people around me willing to help me through our hardship. I'm trying to make the best out of this situation, and with my friends around me, it definitely helps.
“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”
--Dale Carnegie
Good night (morning).
Monday, February 15, 2010
February 15, 2010
Today was a long and hard day, emotionally that is. I hadn't heard from Tom all day, and it put a horrible spin on my day. I even went about the day seemingly happy, but it didn't feel real. I was grateful to be getting out of the house and doing something, but it just didn't seem to be me. I think I'm still in shock. There is a definite numb feeling right now.
That's not to say I haven't found something of which to be grateful. I finally got a phone call from Tom around 10:30 this evening. The connection was horrible and I could barely hear him. But I heard him. What I'm grateful for is that I was lucky enough to be born in an age where communication is so much easier. I don't know how the wives during the first world wars handled it. Not hearing anything for weeks and months at a time.
Our generation is a very fortunate one. I am able to hear my husband's voice from thousands of miles away, keeping my worries to a minimum. Obviously I can't help but to worry, but knowing that he really is only a phone call or email away, helps. The wives before me were so much stronger than I. I am grateful and flattered to be following in their steps, and living up the name of Army Spouse, the hardest job in the military.
Army wives prayer Dear Lord,
Give me the greatness of heart to see the difference between duty and his love for me. Give me understanding that I may know, when duty calls him he must go. Give me a task to do each day, to fill the time when he's away. And Lord, when he's in a foreign land, keep him safe in your loving hand. And Lord, when duty is in the field, please protect him and be his shield. And Lord, when deployment is so long, please stay with me and keep me strong. Amen.
Good night.
That's not to say I haven't found something of which to be grateful. I finally got a phone call from Tom around 10:30 this evening. The connection was horrible and I could barely hear him. But I heard him. What I'm grateful for is that I was lucky enough to be born in an age where communication is so much easier. I don't know how the wives during the first world wars handled it. Not hearing anything for weeks and months at a time.
Our generation is a very fortunate one. I am able to hear my husband's voice from thousands of miles away, keeping my worries to a minimum. Obviously I can't help but to worry, but knowing that he really is only a phone call or email away, helps. The wives before me were so much stronger than I. I am grateful and flattered to be following in their steps, and living up the name of Army Spouse, the hardest job in the military.
Army wives prayer Dear Lord,
Give me the greatness of heart to see the difference between duty and his love for me. Give me understanding that I may know, when duty calls him he must go. Give me a task to do each day, to fill the time when he's away. And Lord, when he's in a foreign land, keep him safe in your loving hand. And Lord, when duty is in the field, please protect him and be his shield. And Lord, when deployment is so long, please stay with me and keep me strong. Amen.
Good night.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
February 14, 2010
Happy Valentine's Day! Now that that's out of the way, on to the tonight's entry.
With Tom leaving for his deployment this morning, I thought it would have an absolutely horrible time finding out what to write about this evening. This deployment is a lot harder for me. I think with everything that we've been through, we've found out how much more we love each other and how much more committed we are to one another. Watching the buses pull away broke my heart. That was when I finally broke down. It was my good friend Lydia that helped save my day today. She is who I'm grateful for.
She was there to say goodbye to her friends as well, but I think she knew I would need her today, more than other time. She came through. She gave me a shoulder to cry on and cried with me. She's been through the same emotions and circumstances as myself, and we've become very close friends through the years. I couldn't be more grateful for her. She's always there when I need her. She kept Ellie and I company while we all ate breakfast at IHOP this morning. Because I wasn't ready to go to an empty house, we went back to hers. She offered to let Ellie stay with her for a few hours so that I could go home and decompress and take care of the pups and cat. She made Ellie and me dinner so that I wouldn't have to deal with it tonight. She went far and above what's needed from a friend. She was my angel today. I can't thank her enough for helping me get through today. Thank you Lyida.
"Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend." ~Plautus
Good night.
With Tom leaving for his deployment this morning, I thought it would have an absolutely horrible time finding out what to write about this evening. This deployment is a lot harder for me. I think with everything that we've been through, we've found out how much more we love each other and how much more committed we are to one another. Watching the buses pull away broke my heart. That was when I finally broke down. It was my good friend Lydia that helped save my day today. She is who I'm grateful for.
She was there to say goodbye to her friends as well, but I think she knew I would need her today, more than other time. She came through. She gave me a shoulder to cry on and cried with me. She's been through the same emotions and circumstances as myself, and we've become very close friends through the years. I couldn't be more grateful for her. She's always there when I need her. She kept Ellie and I company while we all ate breakfast at IHOP this morning. Because I wasn't ready to go to an empty house, we went back to hers. She offered to let Ellie stay with her for a few hours so that I could go home and decompress and take care of the pups and cat. She made Ellie and me dinner so that I wouldn't have to deal with it tonight. She went far and above what's needed from a friend. She was my angel today. I can't thank her enough for helping me get through today. Thank you Lyida.
"Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend." ~Plautus
Good night.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
February 13, 2010
Hmmm... what to be grateful for tonight? Its the night before the deployment. Its the last night I will spend with Tom for the next 8 months. Being grateful isn't on the top of my agenda. I've learned the power of positive thinking, and I am honestly trying to make it work for me right now.
Even though its because of this war that I am about to endure a tremendous hardship, its the thought of war that I've found something of which to be grateful. Freedom. It's taken for granted and not a second glance. How many times have I heard, "If so and so is elected, I'm moving to Canada!" My opinion, go. Think about it though. We are able to just get up and go. Everyone is dying to get here, and we are freely roaming around the world.
It's because of war that we have the freedoms we have. Our unallienable rights. Watching Tom leave tomorrow is more than likely going to turn me into a basket case, but I know he's going so Ellie and I can live freely. I am also very grateful for the family and friends that I'm going to lean and who are going to help support me this next year. I'm not too proud to ask for help, especially not when Ellie is concerned.
Thinking about our freedoms has helped to raise my spirits slightly, and that's a start. Positive thinking does work.
"Make your optimism come true." ~Author Unknown
Good night.
Even though its because of this war that I am about to endure a tremendous hardship, its the thought of war that I've found something of which to be grateful. Freedom. It's taken for granted and not a second glance. How many times have I heard, "If so and so is elected, I'm moving to Canada!" My opinion, go. Think about it though. We are able to just get up and go. Everyone is dying to get here, and we are freely roaming around the world.
It's because of war that we have the freedoms we have. Our unallienable rights. Watching Tom leave tomorrow is more than likely going to turn me into a basket case, but I know he's going so Ellie and I can live freely. I am also very grateful for the family and friends that I'm going to lean and who are going to help support me this next year. I'm not too proud to ask for help, especially not when Ellie is concerned.
Thinking about our freedoms has helped to raise my spirits slightly, and that's a start. Positive thinking does work.
"Make your optimism come true." ~Author Unknown
Good night.
Friday, February 12, 2010
February 12, 2010
I'm grateful this evening to be able to say that I let the money issue go. Not entirely, but put it on the back burners. It was really hard, but I realized the foul mood it was putting me in just to think about it. So I stopped. I would find myself thinking about and tell myself that it could be so much worse and that I have so much to be grateful for. Money is a convenience.
Another thing that made me smile is all the compliments we've been getting from our family picture. I'm really happy with our picture and am planning to super size it and put it on our wall. We all look so happy! The photographer did a great job. I know there is a lot of family members waiting expectantly for their copies. Looking at the picture makes me smile.
For tonight, that's it. Its far too past my bedtime and I have a busy day planned for tomorrow. I'm in a good mood and think I will sleep soundly tonight.
“He is happy whose circumstances suit his temper but he is more excellent who can suit his temper to any circumstances.”
--David Hume
Good night.
Another thing that made me smile is all the compliments we've been getting from our family picture. I'm really happy with our picture and am planning to super size it and put it on our wall. We all look so happy! The photographer did a great job. I know there is a lot of family members waiting expectantly for their copies. Looking at the picture makes me smile.
For tonight, that's it. Its far too past my bedtime and I have a busy day planned for tomorrow. I'm in a good mood and think I will sleep soundly tonight.
“He is happy whose circumstances suit his temper but he is more excellent who can suit his temper to any circumstances.”
--David Hume
Good night.
February 11, 2010
I'm actually writing this entry at 7:30 in the morning on the 12th. Last night ended bad enough that I just couldn't muster myself to write anything. I realized what our debt actually looks like once we started using our tax refund to pay it off. I need to apologize, to myself, for not getting up and finding SOMETHING positive to write about. I did start thinking about it, and that's what I'm going to write about.
While I was wallowing in self pity, I actually had the thought, "it could be worse." And it could be. I still have my health, my daughter, my family, food, housing, a car... two cars. I have nice things, plenty of clothes, well, the list goes on and on. I couldn't see the forest through the trees last night.
In the world we live in, money is the source of so much happiness as well as so much agony. It shouldn't be like that. Today I'm making myself forget about the money, and spending some GOOD quality time with my family. Money can go on the backburners for a while.
"I cannot afford to waste my time making money." ~Louis Agassiz
Good night (well, morning).
While I was wallowing in self pity, I actually had the thought, "it could be worse." And it could be. I still have my health, my daughter, my family, food, housing, a car... two cars. I have nice things, plenty of clothes, well, the list goes on and on. I couldn't see the forest through the trees last night.
In the world we live in, money is the source of so much happiness as well as so much agony. It shouldn't be like that. Today I'm making myself forget about the money, and spending some GOOD quality time with my family. Money can go on the backburners for a while.
"I cannot afford to waste my time making money." ~Louis Agassiz
Good night (well, morning).
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
February 10, 2010
I am super grateful that a few months back I got a subscription to our local paper, and with it got the 2010 Entertainment Guide. Because of the coupons in the guide, Tom and I were able to get two movie tickets, a grande white mocha, two dinner entrees at a mongolian grill with two drinks, and then two "like its" from cold stone for UNDER $40! Such a great night. Plus we had free day care since Mom and Dad (haenke) were willing to take care of Ellie while we enjoyed our evening. This was all supposed to happen tomorrow for our anniversary, but Tom is getting his tooth pulled, so we knew he would probably not be up to everything that we did this evening. We were happy to enjoy the evening tonight. We had a great time.
"The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds - they mature slowly."
~Peter De Vries
Good night.
"The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds - they mature slowly."
~Peter De Vries
Good night.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)